Thursday, June 11, 2009

A Day In My Life...

Caution: Reader discretion advised. This post contains Hindi swear words. If you are averse to crude and foul language, then please close this window and read no further. If you are cool with foul language, and accept it as a part of bachelor life, then smile and continue...

07:00:00 AM: Trrrrrrrrinnnnngggg....

07:05:00 AM: Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnngg....

07:05:59 AM: Sunil, my roommate, wakes up from his slumber, and groggily screams "Abey alarm bandh kar, chutiye"

07:10:00 AM : Trrrrrrrrinnnnngggg....

07:10:54 AM : "Abey Kumbhkaran ke aulaad, alarm bandh kar"

07:15:00 AM : Trrrrrrrrinnnnngggg....

07:15:30 AM : "O Parry Oye, uth ja saale..."

07:15:35 AM : "Zzzzzzzzzz...."

07:15:35 AM : "Abey Parikshith ke bachche...."

07:16:00 AM : "Zzzzzz..."

07:16:30 AM : Sunil casts a groggy look at his sleeping beauty roommate and mutters under his breath. "Bhutnika saala, laash ki tarah leta hai" .

07:20:00 AM : Trrrrrinnnnnggggg...

07:20:15 AM : Sunil mutters some more curses, tosses his blanket aside, walks upto my bed and slams my alarm shut. He tries shaking me awake. " Parry, oye Parry. Uth ja. Abey gym nahin jaana hai kya? " . He then lands a frustrated kick on my ass and goes back to sleep. Ten years of friendship and four years of living together in a single room PG accommodation has made him all too familiar with his roommate's living habits.

08:00:00 AM : Ta da!!! I wake up slowly. Like a ghost raising from a coffin.

08:04:00 AM: Groggily take a look at the clock. Jump up with a start and exclaim "Oye teri behn di, saala 8 baj gaya? Abey yeh alarm kyun nahi baja? Oye Sunil, abey saale utha nahi sakta kya mujhe??. Shit, I can't believe its 8. Oye, Sunil... "

08:05:00 AM : Sunil is peacefully having his shower. Sounds like "Laa laa laa... O ho hoooo.. and Tujhe dekha toh yeh jaana sanammmmmm" echo thru the room.

08:10:00 AM : I feel the first tingling sensation in the tummy.

08:15:00 AM : Bang on the bathroom door. Bang Bang Bang. "Oye Sunil, abey gaana bandh kar aur bahar nikal saale"

08:15:05 AM : "Oye ruk ja. Nahane de saale........ Laa la la... Pyaar hota hai deewana sanammmm. Laa la laaa"

08:18:00 AM: The tingling in the stomach intensifies.

08:19:00 AM : Bang some more on the bathroom door. " Oye chutiye kya Liril girl ki tarah naha raha hai. Abey nikal bahar "

08:19:10 AM : The echoing voice from inside the bathroom says "Ruk jaa, saale"

08:22:00 AM: The stomach goes into a tizzy. "Oye Sunil, o nikal ja bhai, badi zor ki 'pressure' lagi hai "

08:23:00 AM: Sunil comes out, dripping from head to toe, and says "Abey agli baar pressure lagegi toh diaper pehen lena, saale... Chal jaa ab"

08:25:00 AM: In the bathroom. Peace. Relief. Nirvana.

08:35:00 AM: Head to the gym. Head to the gym. Heck, where is the darned tracksuit?

08:45:00 AM : Reach gym. Thomas, my gym instructor and a close friend since years, is already there.... drumming his knuckles on a table and waiting for me. " O ho Parry sir, wow, kya baat hai kya baat hai! Aaj sirf ek ghanta late?"

08:45:02 AM : " Fuck, dude. I woke up late"

08:50:00 AM: Begin with the warm up exercises. Hate these warm up exercises. But Thomas never allows me to pick up even a gram of weight without doing the bloody warmup routine. Three minutes into the warmup, I casually look sidewards and am pleasently distracted by what I see.

08:53:00 AM: Thomas notices what I am distracted with. He comes upto me and slaps the back of my head, bringing me to my senses. He says "Yes, dude. She is a new joinee... joined yesterday. Abey badi pahunchi hui cheez hai yaar, don't even try on her..."

08:54:07 AM: Shake my head in disagreement and respond to Thomas. "Array nahi yaar, I am not trying on her. I was just looking at her ass. Don't you think the female posterior looks even better in tight, figure-hugging track-pants? ... Sahi mein yaar, chune ka mann karta hai!"

08:54:15 AM: Thomas closes his eyes and slaps his forehead. He warns me "Saale... tu agar uska chuega na, toh meri naukri gayi aur saath mein teri haddiyan bhi gayi". He then points at a 6 feet 6 inches brute lifting weights nearby... " Woh pehelwaan, bodybuilder ko dekh rahe ho? Tu agar chahta hai toh uska choo sakta hai!!! "

08:54:40 AM : Ha ha ha ha. Guffaws and high-fives are exchanged between the friends.

08:55:00 AM : Back to the push-ups. Hup one. Hup two. Hup three. Hup four. Hup five...

09:00:00 AM : Get up and bolt to the door. Shout an apology to Thomas... " Oye Thomas office ke liye late ho raha hoon yaar. Chal bye". Ignore his "Abey saale kya.... " . Turn back and cast one final look at the bum of my fantasy. Rush out of the gym.

09:15:00 AM : Reach room. Sunil is all dressed-up and ready for office. He is polishing his black shoes. Let out a wisecrack "Abey, woh shoe polish se tu apne baal bhi dye karle .. muwahaha " and scoot into the bathroom before he can fling the shoe at me.

09:20:00 AM : Hot shower. Ah nothing feels more heavenly, I tell you ( with the exception of Miss Fantasy Bum, maybe) . Stop suddenly. Abey soap kahan hai?. Darn! there is no soap, kabka khatam ho gaya hai. Forgot to get a new one. Koi baat nahi, shower without soap today.

09:30:00 AM : Open the rickety wardrobe. Just one trouser ironed. All shirts crumpled. Orange shirt, black trousers. Excellent! Aaj toh bilkul Govinda lagunga. Oh hell, get dressed up anyway, lock the room and run out. 15 minutes to go before the office cab zoots away.

09:34:00 AM: Oh shit yaar, ID card kahan hai? Run back to the PG, dash upstairs, unlock the room. Dhoondo dhoondo dhoondo.... Where the heck did it go. Ah there it its. Relieved to find my ID card under the pile of my underwears. Lock room. Get out. 11 minutes for cab departure...

09:41:00 AM: Breakfast. Reach Hotel Ganesh Upahar. Typical Bangalore style breakfast restaurant. No place to stand. No place to sit. Kya bheed hai. Saala hotel hai ya kumbh ka mela!. Fortunately Ravi anna , the proprietor, spots me in the crowd. I scream "Anna , the usual breakfast. Jaldi, Jaldi". Ravi anna takes out an idli from the oven and flings it at me. I catch it with my left hand. He throws a second idli at me. I dive and catch it with my right hand. Finally, a vada comes flying in my direction, which I promptly catch with my mouth. What spectacular catching skils. I am a Labrador in human form.

09:50:00 AM: Sandwich the vada in between the two idlis to form a makeshift South-Indian burger. Chomp on it and scurry to the bus-stop.

09:55:00 AM: The most wonderful event of the day unfolds. My office cabs zoots away in front of eyes, leaving me behind. Fuck. There is no other cab.

09:56:00 AM : Run after the cab like P.T Usha. Driver STOP, oye driver, *huff* *puff* *pant* *huff* abey oye driver, stop stop. *Huff* *Puff*

09:58:00 AM: My cab disappears into the horizon.

10:00:00 AM: Rush to the nearest parked auto-rickshaw and dive into it.. “Auto, abey auto.. Follow that cab. Follow that cab. Quick. Quick!!”

10:00:55 AM: Auto driver removes the toothpick from his mouth and says in Kannada “He he he… Yen saaar.. Neevenu James Bond aaa? ( He he What sir, you think you’re James Bond?)

10:01:00 AM: “Follow that bloody cab”, I scream. The auto-driver relents under my fury. He touches a Michael Schumacher’s photograph for aashirvaad, finds his need for speed and puts his rickety rickshaw into top gear. After three minutes of break neck zig-zag driving, we finally pull abreast of my cab and flag it down.

10:04:00 AM: Chalo, finally, cab mil gaya. I occupy my usual last row seat and switch on my iPod. It’s a one hour ride to office, provided the traffic snarls are benevolent enough.

11:10:00 AM: Reach office. The air-conditioned grave where the country’s elite software engineers die to earn their crumbs of money.

11:15:00 AM: Goooood morning!!!. Hi hello how are you. My colleague welcomes me with a handshake. “Beautiful morning isn’t it, Parikshith?” she says. Yeah right, I know how beautiful my morning has been.

11:20:00 AM: Boot the system. Straightaway open Nonsense Aplenty, my infamous blog page. Scroll down. No new comments… @%$#@$^@!! “Yeh kya saala, ek bhi naya comment nahi hai . Kahan mar gaye saare ke saare? Nobody reads my blog or what. Saala aaj se post nahi karunga”

11:30:00 AM: Coffeeeeeee!!!!

11:50:00 AM: Enter the office library. Newspapers. One after the other. Times of India? Done. DNA? Done. Hindustan Times? Done. Indian Express? Done? E.T ? Done. Vijaya Karnataka? Done.

12:45:00 PM: All newspapers done. There is one Tamil newspaper remaining. Don’t know a word of Tamil. But I still leaf thru its pages and stare at pictures. There is a photo of an elephant in the cine-entertainment section. Now what the heck is an elephant doing in the cine section? Journalism these days… Bah!

12:55:00 PM : Its 12:55. Kya karu? Should I head to the cubicle or should I go upstairs for lunch? Ponder, ponder, ponder…

01:00:00 PM : Oh by the way, I double check and realize that the photo in the newspaper is not of an elephant. It is the photo of popular South actress, Namitha. My bad. I need to start paying attention!

01:30:00 PM: Lunch!!! Inadequately subsidized office lunch. The rotis are like charcoal, the paneer seems to be carefully preserved since Ice age and the sambar tastes like sewage.

01:31:00 PM: Feel like murdering the food caterer and go to jail. At least jail food will taste better.

01:32:00 PM: Gossip with the group of male pals over lunch. Gossip topic ranges from economic recession to hairline recession. From IPL scores to Manchester United’s form. From Pulsar’s DTSI technology to gobar gas fuel plants . From Kalpana Chawla’s achievements to Kangana Ranaut’s boob size….

02:30:00 PM: Back to the cubicle after lunch.

02:30:55 PM: Time for a short nap.

04:30:00 PM: Wake up after the short nap.

04:35:00 PM : Coffeeeee!!! Drag a few reluctant colleagues with you to the coffee machine.

05:00:00 PM : Time for a quick game of TT. Drag another reluctant colleague to the TT room.

05:30:00 PM: Back in the cublicle. Chalo, let me tap away at a few keys and click the mouse in random and forward a few chain emails.

05:40:00 PM: Tap. Tap. Tap. Click. Click. Click.

05:45:00 PM : Tappity. Tappity. Tap. Clickity. Clickity. Click.

06:00:00 PM: After a hard day’s work, sweat and toil, its time to go home!

06:05:00 PM: Collect my belongings, sing goodbyes to everyone and rush to get hold of the departure cab.

06:30:00 PM: Another hour’s ride back home. Saala, lagta hai aadhi zindagi toh cab mein journey karte karte hi nikal jayegi.

07:30:00 PM : Head to the pani-puri stall, adjacent to my PG. Life always seems better when there’s pani-puri to eat.

08:30:00 PM : A hot shower later, plonk down on the floor (no chairs in our room) and switch on the TV.

08:34:00 PM: Flip channels. Flip-flip-flip. Bharatnatyam performance on Doordarshan. Flip. A python swallows a deer on National Geographic. Flip. A hero, 2 heroines and 2500 extras sing a strange song and do a jingalala dance on Sun TV Tamil. Flip. “Nahinnnn.. Mein tere bachche ki maa kaise ban sakti hoon. Tuney toh mujhe chua hi nahi tha….” type melodramas on Zee Cinema. Flip. Saas-bahus on Star Plus. Bang forehead against the wall and flip. Hedonic men and anorexic women on MTV Splitsvilla. Shut down the TV and throw away the remote.

08:35:00 PM: Our knight in shining armour, Sunil, comes back from office.

08:40:00 PM : “Yeh dekh mein kya laya hoon…” announces the jack-ass, and triumphantly pulls out three DVD’s from his bag for me to see. “ Chal Parry… chal saale laptop on kar”

08:41:00 PM : DVD 1 : Tom & Jerry cartoons. DVD 2: Baba Ramdev’s yoga sessions. DVD 3: Titanic!!!

08:42:00 PM: Let out a flurry of abuses. One after the other. Start talking again. “Abey yeh kya laaya hai. Saale aur koi dhang ke movies nahi mile?? Kuch action-vaction nahin tha kya?”

08:42:30 PM : “Ab bas yahin the… Aur saare free mein mile hain” comes the reply

08:43:00 PM: We decide to watch Titanic. Unfortunately, both our laptops have been recently formatted so there are no movies in store. And being the responsible adults that we are, we don’t watch triple-x flicks on weekdays. Neither me nor Sunil like movies with mush. And like idiots, we watch Titanic.

08:45:00 PM: The movie starts. Budhiya ka flashback shuru ho jata hai. Leo Di Caprio wins his gambling jugaad, hops on the ship and waves to strangers.

08:55:00 PM: Kate Winslet arrives on screen.

08:56:00 PM : “Abey Sunil, chal yaar, who painting waali scene tak forward kar dena”

08:56:05 PM: “Oye ruk ja tharki… Poori movie dekh”

08:57:00 PM : “Yaar, kya dekhega yaar, chal woh car-waali scene tak forward kar”

08:58:00 PM: We mutually agree to fast forward the movie till the scene where the ship hits the iceberg. Chalo, atleast yahan se thoda action dekhne ko milega.

09:30:00 PM: The ship snaps into two. So does our patience. “Abey aise kaise toot sakta hai ship? Pakka steel ki tensile strength mein koi kami thi” . Abey iron aur steel se bante hain na ships? Phir ek iceberg usme itni aasani se kaise ched kar sakta hai?... Kamaal hai yaar, kaheka design hai? Aur koi crash testing nahi hota hain kya ships ko build karte time??..… ” . This is what happens when two engineers watch Titanic together.

11:00:00 PM : The final scene of the movie is being played out. Rose on wooden plank. Jack in water, holding her hand. Rose cries “I’ll never let go, Jack” *sniff* *sniff*

11:07:00 PM : Scream advice to Kate Winslet on screen. “Oye kood jaa meri maa!!. Toh tu bhi kood ja!!. Chal dubki laga aur khatam kar kahani”

11:30:00 PM: We shut down the laptop, nursing a headache.

11:45:00 PM: “Oye rehne de na yaar, chodd” Sunil consoles me. “ Koi baat nahin chal khana kha lete hain…”

12:00:00 AM: “Sahi mein… Saala 12 baj gaye hain.. Khana kha lete hain… Mere pet mein toh choohe daud rahe hain”. Chal dabba leke aa.

12:02:00 AM: Sunil looks around the room. “Oye dabba kahan hai?”

12:15:00 AM: Biggest shock of the day! Our dabbawaala has not delivered our dinner. ( ‘Dabbas’ are boxes containing packed lunch/dinners. Dabbawaalas deliver the lunch/dinner boxes to bachelors like us. Rupees 25 per dabba). We are furious. “Uski maa ki, saala, abey yeh dabbawaala aaj kahan chudaane chala gaya?”

12:20:00 AM: No dabba. No dinner. None of us cook. Realization dawns.

12:30:00 AM: “Sunil, yaar, kahin bahar khane chalte hain chal”

12:30:00 AM : Sunil raps back. “Saale ab itni raat gaye tera sasur highway mein dhaba khol ke baitha rahega kya? Saareke saare hotels bandh rahengi…”

12:40:00 AM: Scratch my head. “ Shit yaar bhook lagi hai. Toh phir ek hi chaara hai. Nats ke yahan khaa lete hain”

12:45:00 AM: “Nats ke yahan? Time dekh raha hai? Abey marvayega kya?”

01:00:00 AM: Introducing Nats. Nats, a.k.a Natasha, is a close friend of ours, who lives on the third floor of our PG building. Nats is our emergency food provider. She feeds us with her delightful cooking during occasions like famines, bandhs, earthquakes, locust attacks, wars and on days when the dabbawaala’s food looks and tastes like dog poop. Well, even on normal days, it’s a common practice to visit her place and casually ask “Nats, khane mein kya hai?” . I have nothing but tremendous love and admiration towards Nats. A champion of a girl and blessed to be brilliant at whatever she does, she's been our bumchum buddy since years. Lekin ek baat hai. Nats has got a volatile temper. Oh boy! She can make any weak-hearted man pee in his pants with her ferocious nature. But not me and Sunil- we are two of a kind… hame koi fark nahin padta. But then, that’s Nats for you – as ferocious as a German Shephard from the outside, but as loving and vulnerable as a Labrador pup from the inside. Above all, a brilliant cook. That is what matters to us at this hour.

01:05:00 AM : Entrusted with the task of convincing Nats to make dinner for us. Sunil eggs me on " Yaar Parry, tu toh ladkiyon ko manaane mein number 1 hai yaar, tu hi baat karle Nats se... " . Yeah right Sunil, you rat. Ladkiyon ko manaate manaate kitne jhoote khaya hoon aaj tak, yeh sirf mujhe hi pata hai.

01:10:00 AM: Climbing up the stairs to Nats' room. Aaj maar dalegi Nats. I feel like a pilla heading to a sher's den.

01:11:00 AM: *Knock*. *Knock*. *Knock.*. Gently knock on Nats' door. She opens the door, pops her neck out, sleepy-eyed. She immediately knows why I am there. She grunts"Oye Parry ke bachche.. Khane ke liye kuch nahin hai. Sab khatam ho gaya. Aur mein koi khana nahin banane waali hoon is waqt. Good night" *SLAM* . She slams the door on my face.

01:12:00 AM: *Knock*. *Knock*. *Knock.*. Try again. "Oye Nats, suno toh yaar"

01:13:00 AM: Nats comes out and retorts "Go to hell. Bhaad me jaa, Parikshith".

01:14:00 AM: Give Nats a peck on her cheek and envelope her in a warm cuddle. Then take two steps back, put on my most innocent expression and rub my stomach in a clockwise motion. And in the meekest of voices say "Puhleeeeeasse Natsssss ?"

01:15:00 AM: The iron lady finally relents. She says "Theek hai, lekin sirf chaawal (rice) chadhaungi cooker mein. Aur kuch nahi. Achca theek hai. thoda sa daal banaungi. Bas itna hi"

01:16:00 AM: "I love you, Nats. Yaar, by the way tu woh aloo-pyaaz ki sabzi badi achchi bana leti hai."

01:16:15 AM: "Haan saale, aur maska maar. Do jhapad lagaungi. Theek hai banaungi sabzi. Aur jaa Sunil ko bhi bulale... Half an hour lagega."

01:20:00 AM: Woo-hoo!!! Score!!! Garma garam daal, chaawal and potato curry. This is like winning a lottery for us. Run down the stairs to convey the good news to Sunil.

02:05:00 AM: Dinner at 2 AM. We had enough snacks and biscuits thru the evening. Now literally dying of hunger.

02:10:00 AM: Nats lays out her wonderfully prepared dinner infront of me and Sunil. Bless this girl.

02:11:00 AM: Toot pado! Nats smiles in amusement as me and Sunil tear into the food like famished UNICEF kids. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. Neither of us even glance up from our plates.

02:15:00 AM: "Array, kaisa hai khana?" Nats inquires

02:16:00 AM: Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.

02:17:00 AM: "Array kuch toh bolo"

02:18:00 AM : Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. We hardly hear her.

02:19:oo AM: "Saale ek number ke bhukkad kahinke" says Nats and breaks out into a laugh. We know she loves us to bits.

02:35:00 AM: Done with the dinner. Fully satisfied. One of the best dinners I've had in recent times. Let out a burp.

02:36:00 AM : Sunil follows suit and lets out a second burp.

02:40:00 AM: Wash hands in the basin and say thank you's to Nats. " OK. Thank you Nats. Chal goodnight"

02:41:00 AM: Nats grabs the two of us by the collar of our shirts. "Not so soon. Abey kahan jaa rahe ho. Pehle yeh batao ki khana kaisa raha?" Nats ma'm now wants feedback (read praise) for her cooking.

02:45:00 AM : I let out a big sigh and reply. "Ab kya bataye Nats... Khana toh... Ok-ok tha.... I mean theek thaak tha. Nothing special. Taste bhi kuch khaas nahi tha. I mean, average tha..."

02:45:50 AM: "Kyaaaaaaaaa?" Nat drops her jaw in shock and lets go of our collars.

02:46:00 AM: Sunil picks up the hint from me. "Haaan yaar Nats.. Woh sabzi bhi kuch achcha nahi laga mujhe. Taste toh seriously kuch achcha nahi tha. Main toh kahunga ki below average hi tha khana..."

02:46:50 AM : "Huhhh????" . Nats' face turns a shade of purple.

02:47:00 AM: I continue. "Aur woh daal-waal woh joh bhi tha... Array woh kya banayi thi yaar. Bilkul bekaar. Namak, mirch kuch tha hi nahin. Array isse achchi daal toh hum log bana sakte hain"

02:48:00 AM: Grrrrrr.... Nats' face now turns a scarlet red.

02:49:00 AM: Sunil nods his head. " Nats, apni cooking sudhaar yaar. Aisa nahin chalega..."

02:50:00 AM: Smoke is billowing out of Nats' ears by now.

02:51:00 AM: Me and Sunil burst out laughing together. In one swift motion, Sunil gets up and gives Nats a big hug. I then land a big kiss on her cheek. We ruffle her hair, and still choking with laughter, say "He he he... Love you yaar. Khana zabardast tha. Bahut badhiya. Simply too good" . And before she realizes what is happening, I slap the back of her head and we run out of her room, still bursting with laughter.

02:52:00 AM : Run down the stairs quickly to our room, still splitting with laughter, lest Nats chases us down.

03:00:00 AM : "Ha ha ha ha... Yaar Parry. Main toh keh raha hoon kal Nats pakka maar dalegi hume" Ha ha ha....

03:05:00 AM: "Chal saale, bahut ho gaya aaj ke liye. So jaa. 3 baj gaye hain"

03:07:00 AM: Let out a big sigh. "Haan yaar so jao.. Kal mujhe jaldi uth ke gym bhi toh jaana hai. Alarm set karta hoon 7 baje ke liye"

03:10:00 AM: Sunil slaps his forehead. "Array alarm mat rakho yaar...Abey saale sun"

03:15:00 AM: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

------------------------------ THE END--------------------------------