Monday, April 6, 2009

The Human Behaviour and Relationship Guide

Foreword by Dale Carnegie:

Parikshith Kumar is one of the world's foremost experts in 'human behaviour and relationships' . Such is his expertise in this field, that it rumored that he's well capable of writing books like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and Eunuchs are from Pluto" , even while lying in deep coma. Parikshith, or Parry as he is lovingly called (my wife calls him Hotty Pants) has wowed millions around the world with his deep insight on human relationships and gender behaviour. His classic books on human relationships have found their places in the hearts of millions of readers around the world and have smashed publishing records all over. His books have been made into psychologists' course materials, have found their way into MBA classroom case studies, and also been placed inside thousands of public restrooms around the world - so that people can read them when they go potty. From the stables of the great relationship guru and one of the world's most original thinkers comes another post which destined to change your lives and the way you look at people around you.

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At the very outset, I must say that I'm really humbled to have the great Dale Carnegie write a foreword to my post. Its an honor. For those of you who don't know who Dale Carnegie is - err.. never mind, ignorance is bliss.

Contrary to popular judgement, I am not the silver-haired, furry-browed expert on human relationship that I am purported to be. All that I do is to sit around and observe people around me. ( Applause! Applause! Holy Me! What modesty from the great skunk! ) . You see, to be a judge on human relationships and behaviour, you need to have an above average emotional quotient. Well, my emotional quotient is a zero drawn with a huge diameter. My emotional quotient, emotional remainder, emotional dividend, divisor - everything is a zero. I fall into a rare category of humans called 'Emotional Retards' - an oh so lovely bunch of people who are devoid of all emotions (except a few bare basic unmentionable ones), and bereft of all sentiments and sensitivities that are found in normal human beings.

To illustrate, let me tell you a fact about my self. The last time I cried or had moist eyes was 7 years ago. I can almost hear gasps from the other side of the computer screen, particularly coming from the women. "How can you not have moist eyes even once in seven years?!! You bloody robot!" , - I can hear them say. Now of course, women have tear glands that resemble the Ganges, I am not trying to compete with them, but the fact is even men cry. Yes, men do cry. According to a highly scientific survey I recently conducted, I found that an average male cried at least once a year (I have excluded Karan Johar, Roger Federer and my business manager from this survey- these men cry or are made to cry at a far more regular basis). So, once a year is the statistical tear-jerk figure for the men. ( The tear jerk figure for women is slightly higher - they only cry 365 times in a year and 366 times if it is a leap year) . Mind you, even on that one solitary occasion, men don't cry openly. Most of them lock themselves up inside a restroom and bawl their eyes out- often hugging the commode for comfort. I do this once in 7 years- so you can imagine my levels of emotional retardation.

Let me further my case. A couple of years back, a movie called Taare Zameen Par hit the Indian screens. Taare Zameen Par (TZP), a melodrama about a dyslexic little boy, his mentor, his parents, his classmates, his Sony Playstation, his pet alligator... -- is considered, till date, to be one of the most emotional tear-jerkers to hit the Indian screens. Such was the emotional impact of this movie, that the theatres screening this movie often had little puddles of human tears in their lobby-floors. ( Someone had told me that the puddles were genuine human tears- I had initially thought that it was dog urine). It was a common sight to see little boys jumping and splashing around in the puddles of tears and little girls trying to sail boats made of paper in them. Such was the impact. The scene inside the theatre was no better - it resembled a mass funeral- everybody was crying. Everyone, regardless of their gender, were going boo-hoo, sob-sob, waaaa, sniff sniff, mumme mumme etc, watching TZP :'-( Everyone except me that is. Sample the scene inside the theatre :

Protagonist (on screen) : "Boo hoo.. *Sob* Sob* ... * Sniff *" :'-(

The other protagonist (on screen) : "Boo hoo.. *Sob* Sob* ... * Sniff *" :'-(

Obese Aunty in red saree sitting next to me : "Boo hoo.. *Sob* Sob* ... * Sniff * So sad" :'-(

Her equally hideous daughter in the next seat : "Boo hoo.. *Sob* Sob* ... * Sniff *" :'-(

The old man in sweater : "Boo hoo.. *Sob* Sob* ... * Sniff *" :'-(

Everybody else : "Boo hoo.. *Sob* Sob* ... * Sniff *" :'-(

Me : "Hey, why does this fucking popcorn have no salt? "

Get the point? That is my emotional sensitivity for you. So that's why I say that I have no authority to write on this subject per se. But since one of my primary pre-occupation is to sit and look around at people, I have, through the years, grown tiny invisible antennae on either sides of my head that senses and gauges the way men and women behave in general.

Men are logical, decisive and practical. Women are caring, nurturing and emotional. Ta da , Ta da , Ta daaaaaaa!!! That's the breaking news-cum-enlightenment bulletin of the day for you. OK troops let's move on. Well, as I said, that's how men and women are wired up. Like it or not, agree or disagree, and discounting a few exceptions here and there - men and women always fit the aforementioned stereotypes to the T. Now its none of my business to pass judgements as to which stereotype is better - I'd rather spend my time scratching my butt than enter a boring gender superiority debate. But what interests me is the way the sexes stick to their stereotypes in whatever they do. Its only when the Mr. Logical clashes with the Ms. Emotional, does the stadium come alive, spark off fireworks and gives jobless fuckers interested spectators like me something to write about.

Men can be logical and practical to the point of crass even during their rare attempts to touch upon emotive topics. Here is a sample of a one such conversation between a group of male friends:

Guy 1: "Hey dude, do you ever get sad for no reason and cry" ?

Guy 2 ( responding) : "Me, cry? Asshole what do you think? I am some sort of a sissy bed-wetter? "

Guy 3 : " Of course, you can be a sissy bed-wetter. Maybe you should buy Huggies diapers for yourself... "

Guy 4 : "...Or borrow your girlfriend's Whisper napkins"

Guy 1 : Muwahahahaha...

Guy 2 : Muwahahahaha....

Guy 3 : Muwahahahaha....

Guy 4 : Muwahahahaha...

Women on the other hand can be highly emotional even while discussing something as direct and logical as Mathematics.Here is a sample of a one such conversation between a group of female friends:

Girl 1 : OK, everybody 2 plus 2 is 4. I think I am sure... Umm.. yes, I am sure.

Girl 2 : Wow, really?

Girl 3 : Oh so sweet na....

Girl 4 : Yeah really sweet. 4 is such a lucky digit na? It can never be lonely because it always has two and two together.

Girl 1 : Awwwww...

Girl 2 : Awwwww...

Girl 3 : Awwwww...

Girl 4 : Awwwww...

Now, it's not that these behavioural stereotypes have been existing since, like, yesterday. Men and women have been the way that they are, since times immemorial. Why, the behavioral tendencies can be dated way back to the times of Adam and Eve. History tells us that Adam just couldn't stop being the logical being that he was - and Eve couldn't help being the nurturing soul that she used to be. ( I print my own history books and no I'm not gonna show them to you alright?) . Sparks used to fly whenever their personalities clashed. Here is a sample of one such conversation:

Eve: "Adam, sweetheart, here... have an apple"

Adam: "Naaa... I prefer jackfruit"

Eve: "Now where will I go searching for a jackfruit tree? Have the apple na, sweetheart... Its good for you"

Adam: "I'm sorry. I can't have that apple. There may be maggots inside it and its logical that I may fall ill"

Eve: "Do you want me to wash it? Or do you want to make apple-pie instead?"

---10 minutes of silence.... And then again,---

Eve: "Adam, sweetheart, here... have an apple"

Adam: "I told ya lady, I don't want the apple. I don't like apples. Period.D'ya hear that?"

Eve: "Ohh... you don't like apple ?"

Adam: "That is correct. I don't like apple"

Eve(sarcastically) : "Would you prefer an iPod then?"

Adam: "Wow... okay!!!"

Eve: #@$%*^@$

See? Natural behaviour differences between the genders. It's an obvious fact. Along the same lines, it's also a fact that a woman demands undivided attention, perennial love and unadulterated affection from her man all the time - whilst a man can be distracted with other things and may not be able to reciprocate as per her expectations. Even this behavioral tendency of the genders can be traced back to the times of Adam and Eve:

Eve: "Adam..."

Adam: "Yeah..?"

Eve: "You don't pay attention to me?"

Adam: "Of course I do, dear"

Eve: "You don't care for me?"

Adam: "Of course I do, dear"

Eve: "You don't love me?"

Adam: "Of course I do, dear"

Eve: "I don't believe you. Tell me, is there any other girl in your life?"

Adam: "Who else can be there? Muwahahahahaha"

Eve: *Hmmpffffff*

Another behaviour tendency of the sexes is that a man always looks for action with a fixed goal in his mind, while a woman is also goal-oriented, but in a slightly different, roundabout way. Ditto was the case with Adam and Eve:

Adam: "Eve, sweety, come lets go out hunting"

Eve: "But its cold outside..."

Adam: "I know dear, but we have to hunt down something to fill our stomachs. Besides, we are new to the planet and we gotta go out and explore..."

Eve: "So, we have to go out?"

Adam: "Yes"

Eve: "But I have nothing to wear... "

Adam : #$@*#$"

Since 'Nonsense Aplenty' is such a widely revered forum and has a social responsibility(muwahahahahaha... oops sorry, just couldn't contain the laugh here... tee hee) towards its readers, I would like to offer some of my two bit advice to the sexes. The intention of my unsolicited advice that's coming up, is to help the sexes understand each other a little better. Mind you,I am not here to re-write the law of sexes. I am only here to make fun and laugh hysterically provide analysis and offer food for thought. I don't expect gender behaviour to transform overnight. I don't expect an average woman to understand the vagaries of the off-side rule in soccer, or for an average man to know about the primary causes of post-menopausal depression. All I am hoping is that my advice can help the sexes co-exist with more happiness and less friction, and as Jackson said, make the world a better place.

So in that spirit, here is my advice to the men and women folk. ( I know my regulars readers will be having an evil grin on their face by now :-) . They know whats coming up. Of course, some of them also feel that my arguments are totally biased, my logic is completely skewed, and that I should quit blogging, switch over to agriculture and make love to bullocks. Well, maybe they are right - but lets take that debate to a later day. I have an important social responsibility right now) .

Advice for Men:

1) Avoid picking your nose while in the company of your girl, no matter how desperate the urge or how great the twitch. If you really have to, then politely ask her first "Sweetheart, could you please look away while I pick my nose? "

2) Please remember all the important dates and anniversaries. Never forget your girl's birthday. Have the Intel guys install an extra chip in your brain if you have to - but don't forget the dates. And keep assuring your partner that you remember her upcoming birthday. - "Hey sweety, your birthday is on 32nd March right? See I remember" .

3) Work on your romance. Work on your mush-talk. Learn to woo her, sing her romantic songs. If you are confident that your voice doesn't sound like a donkey on its deathbed braying out its last prayers - then congratulations you can consider yourself a singer. Well, the track "Jhoom Barabar Jhoom Sharabi" can be a good start- but its not exactly a very romantic song.

4) Take a bath once in a week, you idiots. A woman likes a man with good personal hygiene. Using a soap while bathing can be advantageous.

5) Never let your girl catch you ogling at other women's breasts. If you really have to ogle, then do it discreetly - but if she catches you, don't tell me that I didn't warn you of the consequences.

Advice for Women:

1) Never interrupt your man during a cricket/football/tennis/kabaddi/ludo match. Don't mouth lines like "Come honey lets go shopping for carpets,curtains,cutlery... " - when India is playing Australia and need 15 runs from 11 balls.

2) Please don't force your man to wear baby pink colored shirts/T-shirts. Even though there may be exceptions, a vast majority of men revolt against wearing pink. You may succeed in forcing your way and have him wear pink, but that will only leave him with a scowl on his face and end up making him feel like a cross between George Micheal and Elton John.

3) Please don't cry at anything and everything. I know, your crying ability is your ultimate weapon. It will bring any rigid man down on his knees and instantly wean him away from his trusted path of logic. But should you cry at everything girl? Cry sparingly, cry intelligently, and cry only when needed. Don't cry for stupid reasons like "Oh my pet grass-hopper died today" or mouth even stupider lines like "Boo hoo I myself don't know why I am crying- will let you know when I find out"

4) While it is your right to take your man out for shopping with you, but please hurry up with your shopping, finish things quickly and show some mercy on your poor man. I mean, please don't take half a millennium to shop for a pair of earrings. I can tell from personal experience. I went out shopping with this female friend of mine last week. I was crew cut and clean-shaved when I entered the shopping mall, and when I came out of it, I had hair that had grown up to my shoulders and a beard that extended till my torso.

Alrighty ladies and gentlemen. I hope the purpose of the post is met ( providing useless enlightenment that is) and I pray that less sparks will fly from now on. *Sigh* I know that I've got to be a really big jackass to hope like that.

Love,

Parry.

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Afterword by Dale Carnegie.

Parikshith Kumar had promised that he would pay me $100 for writing a foreword to his post. He is yet to pay and I have not seen him ever since. Could anyone please tell me where he lives? When I last called him up asking for my promised remuneration, he said "Jaa gaand marao bhutnike" and slammed the phone down. I know that was in Hindi, I couldn't understand it fully, but it certainly wasn't very gracious of him. Could someone please tell me where he stays. I need the money and I...

31 comments:

Satyajit said...

Another entertaining, guffaw-a-minute post from the master comic. We've come to expect this from you buddy. Everytime I have a bad day, I come to your blog. Gets me laughing instantly.
Write on!
P.S: (I did have an evil grin all thru the reading)

gayathri-vishwanathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gkam said...

[refer to ur comment on my blog]Lol, i see... your very famous indeed! yea, sure next time! :)

joy said...

u r really funny! but i must admit u are mostly correct in ur analyses!!

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear Satya
Thanks, bud :-)

Dear Gayathri
He he he... thank you. I think I forgot to mention in the post, but emotional retards are immune to sarcasm too by the way ;-) Incredibly tough-skinned am I.

Dear Gkam
Oh ok.. thanks,dear.

Dear Joy
Thanks :-) And welcome to my blog!

Lakshmi said...

enjoyable reading this..must try out some of these..:)

ramya said...

Extremely enlightening post. I was never this enlightened in my life, even in the classes in which they taught us about the complicated concepts of environment education ;-)

Vinnie said...

Loved the Dale Carnegie and Adam/Eve stuff!!
too good, funny man :)
btw, advice no.5 for men will never work since they r too engrossed/hypnotised/mesmerised in the act :P
well, advices for women (hahhahahhaaa) - none will work, we r women u see..we cease to be women if we take them up! u men just grin n bear us! (should be advice no 5 for men)

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear Lakshmi
Thank you :-) Go ahead and try! If something doesn't work out per plan, then I can only hope you wont come looking for me with a stick/cricket bat/hockey stick/ladle etc.

Dear Ramya
Next time, ask your college authorities to fix sufficient light-bulbs in your classroom. If the lecturer's droning sermons don't provide you with enought enlightenment, then the bulbs certainly should!

Dear Vinnie
He he...Thanks, dear. I know Advice # 5 for men is the toughest to implement. That is why God invented dark sunglasses ;-)

Sam said...

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.. Will pakka try and finish my shopping within the above stipulated time.. Promise!

Ajay said...

This is too good man. I just couldnt stop laughing... simpy superb comic stuff!

Sandeep said...

@$$#0le..ur gonna make me mental soon!! i guess thats how u wantu be rich - by getting people into the mental hosp (i know they pay u INR 100 for that!)

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear Sam
That is what all the women claim and promise before their shopping spree. I will do it quickly, promise... thats what they say to their men ;-) The men, fall for it. Idiots.And as the lady goes on to look at the 4283rd handbag or proceeds to try on the 6589th salwar kameez, the poor man is left wondering how sunlight and civilization outside the shopping mall looks like...

Dear Ajay
Thank u buddy. Welcome to my blog.

Dear Sandeep
Ha ha ha... Don't you remember that we had escaped from that mental hospital together?

Sam said...

heheh! need to know the calculation behind 4283 and 6589.. u talk exactly like my hubby.. but he's never accompanied me for any kinda shopping.. in the last 2 years!!

damsel in distress said...

i nw knw y ur blog is named like that.

yawn.so wht else is new?

ranjitha said...

myy godd!! wat a post.. seems u have done a lot of resaerch work on human relationships :D Am enlightened!! :P
Keep writing..

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear Sam
Your hubby has successfully dodged shopping for 2 years? Goodness, he is a role model (for us bachelors and soon-to-be-husbands) Could you please send me his autograph?

Dear Damsel
Well,looks like someone's just seen a blinding flash of enlightening light :-)Thank you, my friend.

Dear Ranjitha
Oh yes they gave me a Ph.D for my research. Well the Ph. D they awarded me actually stands for 'Phut Le Duffer'.. but so what, a degree is a degree. Welcome to my blog. Keep coming back for more.

Sam said...

Err.. actually its 7 years... 5 years of courtship and 2 u know what... Role Model? Is he? Really?????? Huhhh!

silverine said...

lol!! I have to agree with the analysis here! Good one!

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

An oft chosen subject but you kept it thoroughly entertaining! :)

hammy said...

I'd chose this post over Dale Carnagie anyday. Your TZP references jabbed around my own post Boys Don't Cry, but we were not on the same plane there...

The logic v/s emotional war has existed in all the relationships I've seen... They only differ in the extent of influence... The strength of ammunition varies, but it's the same old war.

P.S. Pay Dale. Poor guy's down to his last million. He's gotta eat too, you know.

Bullshee said...

I read your vulgar stereotype of females and I am appalled.


More so, I love it, coz I love vulgar and I love stereotypes! Makes people easier to understand!

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear Sam
Yes, he indeed is a role model. By keeping the mandatory shopping at bay all these yrs, he's really achieved something :-P

Dear Silverine
I need to let out a gasp of *Wow* first. You provided a link to my blog? Double wow, I'm touched by the gesture!! Please excuse my body odor and accept a big hug from me. *HUG* :-) Thank you!

Dear Karthik
Thank you :-) and welcome to my blog.

Dear Hammy
Yes, I agree with you. The Logical vs. Emotional war exists in all relationships.... And to me, that makes life beautiful!
You've got a great blog too, I'll surely pay a detailed visit later and savor your posts...

Dear Bullshee
Hehehehe... We are two of a kind, buddy. Vulgar sterotypes, yeah baby bring it on. Gimme a hi-fi! :-)

Scattered Thoughts... said...

one word.. great !! your sense of humor rocks man :))

Scattered Thoughts... said...

and posting a comment is PITA.. why the hell does it open up a new frame for captcha.. HUH!!!

Dphat said...

Dear Mr.Hotty Pants(sizzle..)

I showed the 'advice for women' to my girlfriend in vague hopes of salvaging the last remains of my self-respect.
As a result,I am currently single.
I bring to your kind notice that i am suing you for
1)misappropriations of facts
2)withholding vital information.
3) Consequent Emotional and physical trauma
Punitive damages amount to (how much money do you have?)

As i am unable to afford mailing your summons due to recession,kindly view the official complaint at

http://dphatsez.blogspot.com/2008/10/shot-heard-round-world.html

Thanks

A-Victim-who-read-this-post

Gomes said...

I wandered in here from Silverine's blog and I quite regret it. This post may have been sadly and slightly entertaining in an age when Indians discovered the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. I am all for fun with stereotyping the sexes, but hadn't you better come up with new ones? Men wearing pink look like "A cross between George Michael and Elton John"? Really? Its not even another entertaining way of saying "Pink is fruity gay". If you cant write to take society forward, please do not try and drag it back to the dark ages.

-
Clearly Not a Fan

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear Scattered Thoughts
Thank u buddy. And I'll see what I can do about that commenting form. You've got any suggestions?

Dear Dphat
Ha ha ha ha! Thats a good one. Oops! you are single now? Well, I hope reading the "Advice for Men" section will help you win her back ;-)
And I need to see the summon papers. Courier charges have hit the roof, I agree. Time to go back to the pigeons, maybe?

Dear Gomes
Thank you for your commment. This is the best comment I have received so far. I simply love it when someone criticises me :-) To reply to ur concerns:

1) I really don't write with any intentions of taking the society forwards, backwards, leftwards or rightwards. I only write a blog. Period. Society will continue to soar forwards or drag backwards on its own accord, regardless of what I write or don't write on my blog.
2) This blog is called 'Nonsense Aplenty'. Anything and everything written here needs to be taken with a pinch of salt and dismissed with a wave of a hand. This is not a serious social-awareness 'Jaago re bhaiyya' kinda blog.
3) I wish it was different and I wish it was untrue,but while women adore pink, a majority of men still believe that pink makes them feel like gayish. That is what it is - a Stereotype. A bad stereotype maybe- but still a true, existing sterotype among men. But it depends on how one looks at it- depends on the number of funny bones that one has in his/her body :-)
4)I have nothing against gays. Some of my friends are gays, and even they smiled at the comment. If a little 'pink is gay' comment got you all worked up, wonder what you had to say while watching gays being parodied in the movie 'Dostana'.
5) Despite the nature and intention of this blog, if you found any of its portion objectionable, please accept my aplogies. I hope you enjoy my other posts.
6) I love Silverine. I'm glad she brought you here. I certainly don't regret it.
Cheers! As they say in Bangalore lingo 'Chill maadi'

Scattered Thoughts... said...

ah no idea to improve.. I know how to nag.. so I did :D

but I guess its dependent to template.

Shanu said...

Wow..I really must say u have a lot of patience..I couldnt have written a post that long even if my life depended on it. That said..I have to say u write really well..Having gone thru all the comments..i dont really have much to add...keep up the gd job!!

workhard said...

Hey u write so well...

Thats nice..

and those advice tips. kinda nice but im sure they wont work..

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