Friday, May 8, 2009

IPL, Cricket Widows and Workaholic Bosses

Statutory Warning : This is a pretty long post. You are advised to plan your bathroom breaks in advance.

Greetings, dear Earthlings

As promised, I am back with the sequel to my previous post. Sorry for the long delay in uploading this post… I hope you were not wondering if I had vanished into thin air or fallen off the face of Earth ( you really wish that had happened? Yes? Oh you bad people) . One of the feeble excuses that I can offer to justify the delay in posting, is the IPL itself. You see, my work keeps me busy in the mornings, lunch and the subsequent naps inside the cubicle walls keep me busy in the afternoons, the IPL keeps me busy in the evenings and my trainee watchman duty keeps me awake and busy at night. Hey, by the way, did I tell you that I am training to be a watchman at the neighbourhood factory gates? Just in case the recession nips my techie job away, I can at least ensure employment by signing up for the attractive job as a night-watchman in that factory. And being a man with a remarkable degree of self-awareness, I know that I am very well qualified for the job of a watchman. I am rigorously participating in the pre-employment training. The training curriculum for the post of a gate watchman, includes:

  • Juggling and balancing an ill-fitting ‘topi’ on top of my head.
  • Wielding a ‘lathi’ that is as strong as a tooth-pick.
  • Chasing noisy street dogs away - the ones which utter more than 10bps (10 bow-bows per second) .
  • Dozing off in an upright sitting position.
  • Saying ‘Salom shaab’ , without giggling, and in a perfect accent.

I have my alternate profession all planned out, folks. See, I am a busy man with a busy 24/7 schedule. So from where do you think can I carve out time to pen blogs huh? *Sigh* Alright alright, I suck at giving excuses don’t I? Well people, the real reason for the delay in posting is that I simply couldn’t bring my lazy bum to the computer and type. Now that all three of us – myself, my bum and my computer – are in perfect harmony, I have the promised blogpost ready to be uploaded. In hindsight, my inability to come up with proper, believable excuses is a real worry, I must confess. In another three years, I’ll be a married man, and by then if I don’t have the skill to dish out proper excuses, then it is guaranteed that my life will be miserable. But lets worry about that another day shall we?… I mean why look ahead and worry about contracepting the future when you’re being fucked by the present. OK folks, enough said. Lets move on from useless nonsense to useful nonsense.

The IPL… ah what an absorbing affair is it turning out to be. At the time of writing this, we are into the second phase of the tournament. The contest is split wide open, predictions are going haywire and it’s a free for all. It seems to be anybody’s guess as to which four teams would line up to face each other in the semis. Given the unpredictable nature of the game and the inconsistent form of the teams, it is going to be a real tough guess to hazard. Heck! I’m sure guessing Shilpa Shetty’s real age would be an easier task than speculating on the semi-final line-up of IPL2. My favorite team Rajasthan Royals, lead by an extremely passionate man, is continuing to surge forward, even though they don’t have a reigning superstar in their lineup. The Royal Challengers Bangalore team, who until a few days back looked destined to graze the grasses at the bottom of the table, are now looking to be a contender for a semi-final spot. Honestly many a Bangalorean had given up on this team- me included. Many of us had felt that under Mallya’s tutelage, the Royal Challenger boys would have made better bartenders than cricket players. But hey presto! now they’ve surprised everybody with three wins on the trot. Bring on more action, baby, I’m loving it.

OK. Now all said and done, it should be realized that not everybody is a fan of IPL or T20 or why, even the game of cricket. This blog is written by me, a cricket fanatic, and read by you, who could possibly be a cricket fanatic. But the world does not comprise of just you and me, my friend. The world also comprises of people who hate cricket… you know, the kind of people who equate cricket with rat plague and absolutely abhor the sight of bat hitting ball. Surely some of those people may be reading this blog and nodding their heads in approval and acknowledgement. It is important that in this busy IPL season, we cricket fanatics should respect the presence of non-cricket watching public and not disregard their very existence on the planet. However, avoiding the non-cricket watchers is easier said than done, particular when they happen to be in your family or friend/acquaintance circle. For a cricket fanatic, for whom watching the game on TV during the game's peak season is his sole reason for existence, having to deal with the non cricket watching types can be a real pain in the neck and obstruct his viewing pleasure. Chime the bells and blow the bugles, because now I will introduce you two categories of such 'cricket obstructers' - Cricket Widows and Workaholic Bosses.

Cricket Widow : Definition (derived from the Web) : A cricket widow is basically a woman involved in a relationship with a male cricket fanatic who pays more attention to the game than to their female partner, during the sport’s season of play. Cricket widows (usually wives or girlfriends) usually have little or absolutely no interest in cricket themselves. The cricket widow simply does not understand the madness which overcomes their male partners during a cricket match.

Make no mistake, the husband or BF is not a heartless man from Old Stone Age.. he is usually a very doting partner. But it so happens that with the cricket season in full-swing, the game takes precedence for him over everything else in the world. So with the husband or BF glued to the TV screen and literally forgetting his wife’s or GF’s existence, the cricket widow is left to fend for herself. Now, Nonsense Aplenty is not a coochie-coo, Agony Unc, pour-me-your-heart-out-I-will-listen-to-you-sweety kinda blog, so don’t look for comforting talk here. Practically speaking, I must say that a cricket widow can be a real obstructing irritant for a cricket fanatic who is devoted to the game. With the IPL season hotting up and matches getting more interesting, the irritancy factor of a cricket widow can get magnified manifold. Here is an example scenario of one such household. The husband here is an IPL T20 fanatic. He is sprawled on the couch, glued full-on to the match being played out infront of him. His eyes are transfixed to the TV screen and understandably, little else matters to him right now. The wife (a potential cricket widow) can’t understand what the whole fuss is about. She is done with her office work, finished rounds of shopping, fed up with hanging around her pals, has browsed thru 6 Feminas, 3 Women’s Eras, 10 Filmfares, and the entire Internet. She has slept off. She has woken up. But she still finds Hubby dearest glued to the TV, cursing every dot ball and cheering every six hit. The disgusted wife tries to strike up a conversation. Lets join the action from here :

Wife : “Cricket, cricket, cricket. Ufff.. all you watch is this stupid cricket”

Husband: “Ummm… hmmm…”

Wife: “ You know I went to the parlour today….”

Husband: “Ummm hmmm…???”

Wife: “And I got my hair layered and permed and colored. First I got this strand colored dark brown and then this… “

Husband: “It’s a six!!! What a shot!!”

Wife: “What the… hey are you listening to me?”

Husband: “Yes yes…. And you were saying…. ?”

Wife: “Ya, I got my hair coloured. See, its nice na? And then I got a manicure and then I applied nail polish to this finger and….”

Husband:”Fouuuurrrrrr!!!!”

Wife: “Ufff…. You never listen. By the way what is this match. IPL?

Husband: “Yes”

Wife: “Ooooooh… so India is playing Pakistan?”

Husband: *gives an exasperated stare*

Wife: “Oh… so India is playing India?”

Husband: *silence*

Wife: “See such a yuckie colored uniform those players are wearing na. The color of their outfit is not at all matching with the color of their shoes and… “

Husband: “Ssshhh..”

Wife: “Sorry”

Husband: “Don’t disturb me. Don’t you have anything else to do?”

*10 seconds of silence, and then *

Wife: “Hey why is Kumble bowling to Dhoni? I thought they were in the same team”

Husband: “This is IPL for Heaven’s sake. They are in different teams. Now just shut up and watch for sometime"

Wife : " Yeah whatever. Hey, can you flip the channel once? I need to watch my serial"

Husband: "What serial?"

Wife: "Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bevdi Thi"

Husband: " *Grrrr* Don't you touch the remote"

Wife: "Stupid..... *Hmmmpfff* "

*5 seconds of silence, and then *

Wife: “Hey, must those cheerleaders wear such short skirts?”

Husband: “Shut up and let me watch”

Wife: “And must those cameras focus right up their skirts?”

Husband: “Shut up and let me concentrate”

Wife: “Ewwww… is it the Indian Premier League or the Indian Porn League?”

Husband(losing it) : “ Cant you just SHUT UP, lady? Do I need to call a locksmith to lock your big mouth shut?!! “

Wife (in tears) : " *Sob sob* You just screamed at me? "

Husband(staring at TV): “ Oh good shot. Good shot. Come on boys, another 10 balls to go…”

Wife: “*Sob* You screamed at me?”

Husband: “Sssshhh quiet… 9 balls to go…”

Wife: “ *Sob* I am not gonna stay here. *Sob* I am going to my mother’s. D’ya hear me? I am leaving”

Husband: “Why? You don’t want to watch the second innings?”

Wife: "*Sob* What sort of a jerk are you? *Sob*"

Husband: "I am yet to classify myself, he he"

Wife: "Useless talking to you. I am leaving."

Husband: "Take my car, I wont be needing it today. Oh shot! Its a six! Yippeee!"

Wife: "I don't need your bloody car. I'm leaving forever."

Husband: "Shot! Hey on your way out could you just toss me a Coke from the fridge?

The wife literally tosses the can of Coke at her husband, which lands boink on top of his head. And then she proceeds to storm out, Gucci handbag in tow. The husband recovers from the blow, but is too occupied to think about it because the final over of the innings is being played out and the batsmen are slogging at everything.

Wife(at the door, holding it ajar and looking back over her shoulder) : "I'm leaving. Goodbye forever. Is there any final thing you wanna say?"

Husband: Fouuurrrrr!

*SLAM*

There you go folks! The wife in our story is the latest entrant into the cricket widows' club, albeit her mode of initiation was slightly on the extremes. Now the sequel to this story is also among common lines. A good month and a half later, with the tournament finally over, the husband gets up from his couch, clears the cobwebs from his body, puffs away the layers of dust around him. He then stretches his arms and legs, looks around for a minute, pauses and suddenly wonders "Hey, where's wifey?"

Alright folks, time now to introduce to you the second category of cricket obstructers - the Workaholic Boss.

Workaholic Bosses are the kinds of people who expect their subordinates at work to stay back late into the night and put in extra hours of work- whether there be a genuine need for it or not. What makes them the worst species of supervisors is that not only do they expect their minions to stay back late, but they themselves stay back late and choose to 'lead by example'. These sons of bitches have no social lives for themselves, have no interest in cricket and don't understand others' passion for cricket. They only fear that the skies would come crashing down on their thick skulls if their subordinates do not work late into the night.Now naturally, if you are the kind of employee looking forward to scurry an scoot home early to watch a game of IPL, the presence of a workaholic boss in your life can prove to be a real pain in the neck. But with a little skill and bravado, you should be able to navigate around these assholes like a smart, slippery eel. Here's an example:

Boss: "Hey, where are you going? Its only 5PM"

You: "I'm going home. The match begins at 5PM"

Boss: "What match?"

You: "The IPL"

Boss: "Bah! those two-hoot cricket matches. Don't you think you should rather stay back a bit late and finish off some more work?"

You: "But what for? I'm done for the day"

Boss: "But still, you can stay back and improve on your err... productivity?"

You: "But I need to go home and watch the match"

Boss: " OK fair enough, but can I ask you a few questions first?"

You: "Sure, sir"

Boss: "Do you earn any money by watching those matches?"

You: "No, sir"

Boss: "Are you playing in those matches yourself?"

You: "No"

Boss: "Is your girlfriend cheerleading for any of the teams?"

You: "No"

Boss: "Then why do you have to watch those matches? Why can't you stay back and work some more?"

You: "OK, fair enough sir, but would you mind if I now asked you a few questions?"

Boss: "Shoot, boy"

You: "Do you earn a multi-million dollar bonus for putting in a few hours extra?"

Boss:"Well, no..."

You: "Do you think they'll promote you to be the CEO, if you merely spent extra hours at work?"

Boss: "Hmmm... no"

You: "Working late, with no one around, do you download porn to your official computer, use the office printer to take sleazy printouts, and take them home to arouse your impotent wife?"

Boss: "Heavens!!!! No!!"

You: " Then why do you have to stay back and work late? Why can't you go home and enjoy those matches?"

*10 seconds of silence, and then *

Boss: "Fine, go home and watch your darned cricket match"

You: "Thank you, sir"

See folks? You can navigate around any type of human obstacle that prevents you from watching your beloved IPL. I pray that you don't get to face up with such 'cricket obstructing' specimens in your lives, but in case you do, I hope that my blog has endowed you with some related education. Have a great time, folks! Wish you a very happy cricket season.

Love,

Parry.

P.S: If you have read the entire post and desperately want to throw a shoe at me, please bear in mind that I am a size 8 and my favourite is Nike!

12 comments:

Satyajit said...

You seem to have become a subject matter expert on couple relationships... ha ha ha ha

Laughing out loud all thru!

DPhat said...

Dude i ran out strategic time-outs reading your post!
I want a special mention for surviving this onslaught of cricket-cum-marriage therapy :)

True to your title, Nonsense aplenty! Keep it coming \m/
Psst..you're not FakeIPL Player are you?

New post up! Do drop by my blog!

Nikita said...

I don't believe that I actually read the whole post. And that when I have no interest in cricket. There's just one explanation; that despite all that cricket ramble, it is a good post :)

gayathri-vishwanathan said...

hehehe...too good! IPL, set max, lalit modi, and gang should bestow u and other fans and AC of cricket with big awards...

Keep writting boss whenever u get time from IPL...err and yaa forgot to mention u seem to be a serious threat to my dream profession..if techie like u start practicing for such coveted professions, what wud happen to people like me?

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear Satyajit
Thanks mate. But I must say that it is a dangerous subject to be an expert in. Not recommended for the faint hearted.

Dear Dphat
Yes you certainly deserve a 'Bravery Award' for withstanding the entire onslaught. Kudos, mate :-) Pssst.. No, I'm rather the Fake Kabbaddi Player!!

Dear Nikita
Thank u!! :-)

Dear G3
Thank you,my friend. Oh, so we share our dream professions eh? Good :-) Well,imagining you in a watchman's uniform has me in splits though. Lol!

Scattered Thoughts... said...

Are you actually married? if no then the post might be justified but if yes, then I will say its your wishes (far away from reality) which are coming out through this post.. just one plain simple reason.. try telling your wife to shut up 10 times in 2 minutes in exactly same tone and I am telling you it will not be a can which will be hitting your head :))) know what I mean :)

Rum said...

Hahahahaha!!! Brilliant post bro!! Super... where dya get these dieas from?!

ramya said...

Heheheh.. I was kind of uninterested to read the topic because it involved cricket, but didnt know that this is all about human relationships!
Wow, I am so much like that cricket widow!!!

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear Scattered Thoughts
Ha ha, I know what you mean. And no I'm not married yet. But I know for sure that when I do get married, I'll be nursing concussions all year long. :-)

Dear Rum
Thanks, mate!

Dear Ramya
I must say I fear the "cricket widows" . My fears go on to get multiplied during peak cricketing seasons :-)

Velu said...

Great post boss.

And even I managed to keep reading till the end. That too when I can't keep my own attention when I write anything longer then 55 words. :)

Cheers,
Velu

Shanu said...

Lol..that was hilarious!!

Loved the convo wit the wrkoholic boss..how i wish all of us cld talk to our bosses like that..and yet live to tell the tale!!

Meenakshi said...

hehehe...
atleast eh wife in the conversation had an angel of a husband who gave her the option to move out; most of my friends would have physically thrown their wives out the front door & some smart men tactfully have an extra tv in the bedroom.

Oh its extremely heartening to know that bosses like these are for real ; 'cos it helps me see all the bosses I have had till now in a new light... Never had such a workaholic boss till now; & don't think I would ever tolerate one. :)

Long post, but a good read.