Monday, January 4, 2010

My New Year Resolutions

O ho ho!!! 2010 is here!! I’d like to wish my handful of readers a very Happy New Year 2010. Well, life fucked you in 2009 and life will continue to fuck you in 2010 – so in that sense the New Year will not be any different than the one which just sped by - but hey I hope and pray that life fucks you a little milder this year. Oh, please don’t take me seriously – I pray that the New Year showers on you roses and tulips, dollars and dinars, success and glory, love and peace, lots of smouldering beauties in 2-piece bathing suits (if you are a man), hunk after hunk resembling David Hasselhoff in his prime (if you are a woman), and Rohit Vermas and Bobby Darlings (if you are a eunuch). And I’ll be blogging lesser this year – so there you go, this New Year is guaranteed to be a happy one for you!

Cometh New Year and cometh resolution time. I’ve always been making New Year resolutions year after year like a compulsive habit. Until the last year, it used to be the same ol’ dope. I used to write down my resolutions on a piece of paper, beam with pride and religiously adhere to them for 24 hours. Then on the strike of the 25th hour, I used to tear out the piece of paper in frustration, crumple it into a ball and toss it on the floor for my cat to play football with. But this year, with my blog in place, I’ve decided to give my New Year resolutions a serious, longer run. What’s more, by sharing my resolutions with you, the World, I am hoping against hope that someone among you will be there by my side to remind me when I go astray.

So without anymore ado, here are my New Year Resolutions for 2010. Muwahahaha.... Hey no seriously, I have one hand over my heart and the other hand over my keyboard typing all this. Here goes:

1) I will not watch porn. That’s right, no more porn for me. I resolve to turn into a squeakily clean young man with moral values so rock solid that prospective mothers-in-law around the country will have catfights amongst themselves to bag me as their son-in-law. Yes, I am going to delete my terabytes of chee-chee stuff forever. Or wait, maybe not. Instead of deleting it, I will transfer all the files over to an external hard-drive, store the precious disk in a secure bank locker and instruct the bank to handover the locker keys to my future son on his 21st birthday. Yeah, that sounds right. I know I will make an ideal father. So my first New Year resolution ladies and gentlemen, no porn for me in 2010. No more kinky cheerleaders, no more kinky schoolteachers, no more kinky newsreaders, no more kinky mermaids, and no more of that kinky lady-whose-car-keeps-breaking-down-everytime-and-seeks-shelter-in-the-roadside-bungalow-with-an-attractive-landlord etc. etc. The only pictures of women I’ll be viewing on the Internet from now on are the ones which have them draped from head to toe in a nine-yard Kanjeevaram saree. The only ‘accessory’ I’d be expecting them to be adorned with will be pieces of traditional gold jewellery, bangles, toe-rings and copious amounts of sindhoor. The only ‘pose’ I’d expect them to strike would be a Namaste-pose. Oh no no no you bastards, by the saree I didn’t mean those barely-there, flimsily thin, transparent white ones waiting to be drenched with the first burst of cloud or second jug of water. Abey shoo go away you people and give me a chance to be a good boy, will ya?

2) As we are hovering on the topic, let me take the opportunity to make my second similar New Year resolution. I will not give any special tips or tricks to my teenaged or college-going male cousins this year. The special set of Parikshith anna’s tips/tricks/services which are so coveted by my younger male cousins are:

• Coming up with precise, innovative search keywords that would take them to some of the topmost Google-ranked porn sites.
• Sharing with them some of the absolute, rare gems from my collection mentioned in Resolution 1) above. Of course, this is proportional to their academic performance in school or college. The higher the percentage they achieve in their tests/exams, the more exotic will be the file they receive from their big brother. I am flattered when they tell me it is a tremendous motivation for them to do well in their studies.
• Getting me to write romantic notes or poetry for their crushes, which they pass off as their own, obviously. Getting me to counsel them about wooing their next new girlfriend for the week.
• Getting me to write witty stuff in the ‘fraandship’ requests that are sent to the babes in Orkut on their behalf. Sometimes the babes fall for it, but most of the times we end up with eggs on our faces.
• And then there are other common, trivial stuff like teaching the youngsters proper eve-teasing techniques, instructing them about the importance of saving for their illegal booze binges, teaching them the correct positions and angles needed to stare down at cleavages from the top floors of shopping malls, - you know, regular stuff which ideal big brothers teach the younger male lot in their family. Actually kids these days are smart enough to figure it out themselves, unlike the kids of my generation.

So my dear cousins, this year I resolve not to help you in any such activities, no matter how much you beg me. You have to discover the joys of being a man yourselves, kids. (Pssst... if you need any assistance, contact Sunil, my roommate. As most of you would know, his moral compass tilts in just about the same direction as mine and he doesn’t believe in stupid things like New Year resolutions. So get in touch with him)

3) I resolve to stop being a liar. That’s right in 2010, I resolve to adopt honesty as the bestest policy and embrace righteousness and truthfulness with the kind of vigour that would put the ghosts of Raja Harishchandra to shame. No more lying through my teeth this year folks– I am going to do away with a skill which comes to me as naturally as swimming to a duck or stripping to a Paris Hilton. It’s going to be honesty all the way in 2010, ladies and gentlemen... a spade will be called a spade, a shovel will be a shovel, and a pick-axe will be a pick-axe. So when my business unit manager asks for an honest opinion about his sucked up, bird brained, ass-tight management policies, you know what I’m gonna tell him. Likewise, when my obese-as-a-hippo female friend steps out of the trial room and asks me to honestly tell her if she looks a little fat in that new green dress, then you know what I will tell her as well.

4) I resolve to eat healthy and live better this year. No more junk-hogging this year. This would translate to no more than 3 visits to Pizza Hut per week and just one to McDonald's, that too only when I am really hungry. I will visit the Beijing Bites only to say hi to the waiters and will be resolute in my decision of not ordering any of the chows or the chopsueys while I am there. I will visit CCDs to just listen to the music and pop into the Baristas to only check out the floral decoration on the coffee table. Even if I'm tempted to order any of those jumbo tub popcorns during my mandatory weekly movie outings, I will eat only 10% of the stuff and then promptly pass over the tub to some random guy on the front row. I will tightly shut my eyes every time I pass by the street side chaat stalls, even if it means being possibly hit by a passing truck or something. I will eat on time and not play games of permutation and combination with my eating schedule – you know, the combining of breakfast with lunch, snacks with dinner, or breakfast with dinner and the like.

5) I will keep my ever-colourful swear and abuse vocabulary under check. For example, the word ‘Fuck’ will be used only in situations where extreme exclamations need to be conveyed under extreme circumstances. ‘Fuck’ will no longer be used as a sentence beginner or sentence ender in every conversation that I have. Likewise, I will no longer use the words ‘Madarchod and behenchod’ as expressions of endearment, affection, disappointment, admiration or as a mere exhaling sigh. They will be used only in moments of pure fury like road rage or quarterly performance appraisal meetings. I resolve to address people with respect in this year. Team leads and managers will no longer be called ‘Bastards’ when out of earshot. They will be called ‘differently born individuals’ henceforth. Also the Directors and Human resource executives who decide on the pay-hike policies will no longer be called ‘Madhafuckinsonsofbitches’. They will be called ‘kind souls with different sexual tastes’.

6) And the one resolution every single of you were looking forward to. I’ll strive to keep my yak-yakking tendencies under check and keep my posts short this year. Well, it shouldn’t be difficult, considering that I only write once in six months or whenever it’s time to vent out some steam – whichever is earlier. But you have my resolute word that I will make every effort to trim the length of my posts... its kinda chopping a flowing evening gown to make a crotch-exposing miniskirt, but I will try.

Alright, that’s it folks. That’s enough. I don’t want to make too many New Year resolutions because unlike the laws of the land, New Year resolutions should be strictly followed at all times. Plus, it is emotionally taxing to make up too many New Year resolutions since it ostensibly involves giving up something you deeply covet. One look at the list that I’ve drawn up, and I am already feeling low and terribly depressed imagining the stuff I have resolved to give up this year. Hopefully, a large slice of pizza over the latest video of ‘Girls Gone Wild’ should cheer me up. Hey no..... err... wait.

See you later friends, and once again, I wish you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year or whatever.


P.S: It was exactly this day one year ago when I decided to create a blog called ‘Nonsense Aplenty’. I can’t believe an entire year has sped by with me goofing around and the blog is celebrating its first birthday today. I remember feeling that itch within me last year. I always wanted to do something noble and contribute wholeheartedly to the society. I felt a fire raging within me; wanting and yearning to write something about raging social issues like gender equality, right to education, women’s rights, upliftment of the downtrodden, eradication of poverty and other evils and the importance of valour, honesty, sincerity, loyalty and self-esteem in individuals. Thus to address these issues, ‘Nonsense Aplenty’ was born. Err... worst mistake of my life. But thank you for reading my blog. It certainly hasn’t enriched my life in any way, but I hope it has touched yours. Thank you for supporting ‘Nonsense Aplenty’ and making a difference to the society in particular and the Universe and the entire Milky Way in general (As a side note, does Amul own the Milky Way?).


gayathri-vishwanathan said...

arre bhai yeh kaun hain? main isse pehchan thi nahi hoon...

haan yaad aaya yaad aaya...yeh toh apna paro hain...kaisa hain paro?? happy new year jee...i thot tu pandora shift ho gaya :)

i liked the gift that u r planning 2 gve ur son on his 21st b'day...but what if u have a daughter?? usko kya dega...

P.S: happy b'day to nonsense aplenty

Sam said...

Appy Nu Year and Appy Buddy!!! Resolution no 5 is the best of the lot.. I learnt something new to be used at my workplace.

blunt edges said...

your son has 2 wait till 21??? wtf! when did u 1st watch porn dude? bahut na-insaafi :P

or u could give the porn amaanat 2 me...i'll return it by the time your son turns 21! what say?

Bullshee said...

God knows to what level porn may go by the time your son turns 21! They might have some freaky deaky stuff out by then.
At which point, present it to him and say, "Here beta, here is 2 Terabytes of Retro porn for you!"

And I do think your horizontally challenged female friend might sock you one, if you're THAT brutally honest.

Oh, by the way, "Differntly born individuals" takes the cake!

And, look on the bright side, you've got a football playing cat

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear G3
Array Pandora hi shift ho gaya tha. Par wahan par real estate ke prices itne zyada hai na ki afford nahi kar paya, isliye yahan wapas chala aaya. What if I have a daughter? Hmmm... maybe give the disk to my grandson as a posthumous gift? You make me think. Happy new yr.

Dear Sam
Appy Nu Yaar to oo too yaar. And oo are bhelcome :-)

Dear BluntEdges
Yep, he gets it at 21. After he is done with all the mundane stuff he sees around, he will get the exotic ones from his Dad. Sounds good na. Well, if you mail me a dozen USB drives, I can share 'em all with you :-)

Dear Bullshee
Ha ha ha ha you are right mate... I wonder what sort of porn they'll have 21 yrs down the line.... Man doing aliens? I shudder. Come on man, retro porn can be interesting... have you seen those 1970 ones? If you aren't rolling on the floor laughing, it can make an interesting watch. Well, I hate to brag, but my cat is the Ronaldo of the feline football world :-)

Scattered Thoughts... said...

do you think your son will wait for your locker key to watch porn till he is 21? Just pray he dont have his own set of videos with you in the leading actor :P

Quirky said...

Awesome resolutions! 'Differently born individuals' n 'kind souls with different sexual tastes' had me rotfl!

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

As people have mentioned, 'Differently born individuals' is killer! =)) Btw, if you wish to break any of these resolutions, let it be the last one. One of my favourite humour blogs.

Trauma Queen said...

awesome. simply awesome.

i must say you make creeps so much fun in your blog! haha

Parikshith Kumar said...

Dear ScatteredThoughts

Me as a leading porn actor? Ha ha ha... Will I win The Best Debutante Actor in a Porn Role? Time will tell :-)

Dear Quirky
Thanks! Nice moniker, by the way.

Dear Karthik
Thanks mate.

Dear Trauma
Thanks :-)

Shanu said...

ROFL...Awesome awesome resolutions!!

And Happy birthday to NA!

Ketan said...

Very, very funny!

"Differently born" was the best!

Your 'about me' was also great. :)

Take care.

Insignia said...

You are back!!

Nice resolutions though....Why wait till 21?? :-P

All the best for keeping up your resolutions :-D

arshat.chaudhary said...

very funny :)
loved the post..

Karthick Prabu said...

LOL. Enjoyed every line in this post.

It would have been perfect if u had finished the post with this line - "Ok folks, now tell me where is the delete button to delete this post coz I am depressed with these resolutions" :)

Sandeep said...

abey oye.. marr gaye kya? long time no blog.. bore hoga hu yaar.. jaldi kuch dose de:)

Anonymous said...

new post is wanting!

gayathri-vishwanathan said...

oye paro jaldi post likh ab zyada aamir khan mat ban

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

parry bhai, kahaan gayab ho gaye aap?

silverine said...

Knock, Knock anybody here?

arshat.chaudhary said...

Dude this is too much.... are u just gonna post only one long post every yr now?

Trauma Queen said...

what abt your 2011 resolutions? getting back to blogging perhaps?

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