C-O-N-J-U-N-C-T-I-V-I-T-I-S.
O-P-H-T-H-A-L-M-O-L-O-G-I-S-T.
The two words were added rather unwelcomingly to my vocabulary today. It took some significant wrestling with the pages of dictionary to even get the spellings right. Ladies and Gentlemen, the dreaded conjunctivitis virus/bacteria (/protozoa/amoeba/bunked zoology classes in college to know more) - which had been doing a recce of the streets of Bangalore, has consumed its first high-profile victim... yours truly, the author of Nonsense Aplenty.
Conjunctivitis (red eye) is the inflammation of the conjunctiva ( a transparent lubricating mucous membrane that covers the eyeball and the under surface of the eyelid ) and commonly characterized by the redness of the eye. Indications and symptoms include frequent itching, irritation, and the ability to suddenly look like a drunk Bollywood movie villain from the 1980's - grotesque appearance with angry red eyes and everything. Actually, it occurred all too suddenly. I was riding away on the bike, with cool wind in my receding hair, and whoosh, I felt something in the eye. I guess the virus was waiting right up there in the atmosphere, with its trap laid out bare. And I must've got suckered straight into it. I don't know why the virus chose me, when it had millions of other jerks at its mercy. Maybe the bloody thing watched too many Hindi movies, heard too many mushy romantic songs and so in true Bollywood style, fell instantly in love with my eyes. A visit to the ophthalmologist confirmed the infection. So here I am, ladies and gentlemen, confined to my room like a caged porcupine, and forced to be bedridden like a drugged undertrial.
Anyway, I then interacted with/rang up few of my dear ones, to break the news of my recently acquired condition. Not surprisingly, it elicited a mixed bag of response, some of which I have sampled below. Fasten your seat belts, take an anti-histamine and read on:
Reaction #1 : Parents @ hometown:
"Conjunctivitis?!!! What? How? Which? When? Where? Why? . Did you show yourself to a doctor? What did the doctor say? What did the nurse say? What did the chemist say? What did the lab attendant say? What did the lift operator say? How are you feeling now? Are you better? Worse? Does it hurt? It is going to last for 3-4 days isn't it? Have u stared taking medicines? Eye drops? Which eye drops? Now who asked you to go out of your room and contract the virus? Couldn't you stay put in room? Take rest now. Keep washing your hands. Don't touch your eye. Don't you get out of your bed, young man. Did you have your food? Now go and sleep. Nothing doing. No office-woffice. And don't forget the medicines, will ya? "
Reaction#2 : The old landlady here in B'lore
"Oooooh... you coochie-coochie , sweetie-sweetie thing... Look at yourself , my dear.. You go to your room and take rest OK? I will send some badam milk upstairs. And by the way, you are yet to pay last month's rent and electricity bill... When the hell are you going to... But Ok ok ok... You don't strain yourself. I will send some snacks too.."
Reaction#3 : Roommates
"Oh shit... Oh fuck... Conjunctivitis? It is contagious right? Will we get it too? Will we get it now? Have we already got it? Is the virus on its way? OK, spray disinfectant, splash phenol... Hey you go take bath with pesticide... Keep your clothes and towels away. Would you remove your epidermal layer and store it away some place? And isn't that your underwear hanging on the door knob? Remove it from there. OK, buddy now relax... don't worry... lie down on the bed..Where are your eye drops? Here now, we'll apply it for you. Don't go outside. We'll get you dinner, what would you like? Close your eyes and be still. "
Reaction#4: Friends(Male)
"Conjunctivitis? Since when? Oh ok... No tension macha... Clean your eyes, wear goggles, take medicines. 3-4 days, that's all. Relax. Hey wanna join us for a movie over the weekend? Oops , sorry we forgot. But OK, its some rubbish mystery movie anyway...heard its not good, so you will not miss it. And we'll let you know what the climax was all about later. You take rest. Chal bye. "
Reaction# 5: Friends(Female)
"You got conjunctivitis? Reallyyyyy? No kidding haaan? Seriously? Since when? Oh dear, sooo sorry. Does it hurt? Has your eye become really very red? Did you show yourself to the doctor? How are you feeling now? Its OK... If you feel like sharing anything you can let us know. See for conjunctivitis naaaa... first you should clean your hands regularly. Use Dettol soap to wash your hands. And then naa you should wipe your hands with a soft towel. Don't keep touching your eyes. Take Ketogate eye drops, 4 times daily, hey... are you paying attention to me? What are you thinking about? Concentrate when I talk. You never listen. OK, then take your eye drops without fail, wear shades, don't try to be a stud or something. Just take rest in your room. Understand? Give a call if you feel lonely or want to talk about anything. Hey you know that girl Geeta from college? I met her yesterday.. Oh my God, she has put on so much weight... I don't know, and she was wearing this dress... such a yuckie color, and some tacky footwear... Eeshh.. God, how did she become so fat and you know what..... "
Reaction #6: Priest from the temple across the road
"What happened Son ? Red eye? Hey Ram ram ram ram. I think you should consider stepping into the temple at least once in a millennium ,Son...Ram ram ram ram. Anyway will offer special prayers for you in the evening. God bless you. Ram ram ram ram. "
(Note: The priest then offered me a bag of rock candy, flowers and smeared some vermilion on my forehead... none of which, to the best of my knowledge, are world-renowned cures for conjunctivitis. )
Reaction #7: My manager
" You want three days leave? Conjunctivitis? Hmmm... Can you work with one eye closed? You can't? How about working with both eyes closed? No no no.. I didn't mean you should fall asleep in your cubicle. Hmmm... OK... Three days then... Please ensure due diligence and see it to it that your productivity and deliverables are unaffected. Please ensure that you delegate your work queue as per existing business contingency plans.. Are you done unit testing all your modules? By the way who is this again? Parikshith?.... Parikshith who? You are in my team? Did you say we've met before? Let me think... Oh are you the fair, plump guy who always plays table tennis? The same guy who crashed that network server last week? OK now I remember you. OK, I'll see you after three days then. Good luck. I hope you will miss being part of this wonderfully productive workplace"
Reaction # 8: Colleagues/Teammates @ work
"Conjunctivitis? Ha ha ha... Serves you right , you bugger.. Looks like you had overworked your eyes, ogling at female breasts all day.... ha ha ha... particularly the babes from H.R. Ha ha ha ha... You've got three days leave? Cool, you lucky con! Enjoy. Nopes, not possible to take up your work... I cant understand your rubbish code one bit, dude... What, you think I am Albert Einstein's love child? No way, you take rest, enjoy your vacation and come back. We'll think about your code later. Take care of yourself. Will let you know if you are issued a pink slip.
Reaction#9: Friendly neighbourhood dog:
"Bow bow? Bow wow wow? Bow bow wow bow wow bow bow. Woof Woof"
Reaction #10: Best buddies
"Conjunctivitis? Ho ho ho ho ho... Hey d'ya hear that? The ass is down with conjunctivitis... Ha ha ha... So what do you expect us to do next? Collect sandalwood for your funeral pyre? Ha ha ha ha ha ha... Anyways fuck everything, and come over to our place. We'll make dinner for you too... and then we all can sit down and watch some porn together. You will be alright. Hell with conjunctivitis being contagious. We don't give a damn. Now are you coming here by yourself or do you want us to pick you up?"
--------------------------------------
Reactions, as you just witnessed ladies and gentlemen, have been coming thick and fast. I can say that I have well and truly been overwhelmed. But all I can do is to remain confined in my room, flutter eyelashes and shed crocodile tears. I hope to get better soon, so that I can get to my feet, and perform my self-imposed duty of writing blogs that aim to radically change the face of the world. Through 'Nonsense Aplenty', I know that I know I am on the right path:-)
With abundant love and conjunctive winks ;-)
Parry.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Alternate Career Options for the Beleagured Techie.
I am a software engineer working in Bangalore.. Ta da!! Yep , again, I know this is not the kind of breaking news which would bring frenzied news vans screeching to a halt at my doorstep or have journalists tumbling over each other to thrust microphones up my nostrils. This is merely the plain vanilla fact of the day- I am a software engineer , who works with a leading MNC that pays you just about enough to eat three square meals every day and buy a new toothbrush every other month. Like me there are millions of techies here, swarming all over the place like moths attracted to the IT lantern. That is not unusual because out here, becoming a software engineer is not really difficult. To graduate as a software engineer ,
That's it. Simple right? Now, I don't want to be seen as the latest applicant for the post of the village cynic ( considering that I was earmarked for the post of the village idiot) . So let me switch on the exhaust fans and clear the air about engineers being an unhappy lot. Make no mistake, software engineers are 'happy' staring at computer screens all day, smashing foreheads against their keyboards and occasionally singing love sonnets to their code compilers, cajoling it to get to work. When not sipping Cappuccinos, when not practising table tennis serves, when not reading tabloids, when not debating on the vital statistics of the new hottie in office , when not idling away time and blaming the world for it- we techies pride ourselves in creating some amazing technologies that change the face of the world.
All said, every now and then however, there is this momentary flicker of thought which flashes across many a techie's overworked minds. It is like an irritating buzzing fly which you want to swat immediately with the nearest available roll of newspaper, but cannot. The buzzing fly says "Hey am I being a moron, sitting here and slogging my ass off in this way to earn my crumbs of money? Or is there an easier, better, faster and fun way of earning bigger bucks" ? No matter how passionate the techie is about his/her work, he would have certainly met this buzzing fly at least once in his/her computing lifetime. Some of them would have ignored this fly, others would have swatted it and still others would have simply asked it to 'buzz off'. I met the buzzing fly today. So rather than chase it away, or let it fall inside my cup of Cappuccino, I decided to take a moment off and answer it. Earning more (or at least equal) bucks with lesser pain in the ass is the objective eh? So be it. After a discourse with my talkative conscience, I have arrived at the following alternate career options for the beleaguered IT soul. If you promise not to throw empty flower vases at me, I am willing to outline and share those alternate career options with you. Here you go:
1) Bank Robber: The de- facto profession for you to achieve the insta-rags to riches status. Designed, developed and tested extensively by our forefathers, this method would have been the easiest and quickest way of earning money without breaking much of a sweat. However, today we are reeling under a severe economic crunch. The banks would not have much money stashed away in their lockers to make a decent steal. So, this erstwhile method of earning money has unfortunately run of steam today. Heck! I'm sure the robbers are richer and well off than the banks these days. So with a heavy heart and profound reluctance, I would like to sidestep this profession and move on to option number 2.
2)Weatherman: Is there any other job in the world wherein you see your calculations go horrifically wrong more than half of the time and still get to hold on to your job with peanut-eating nonchalance? I mean you predict a bright sunny picnic day, then sit back and see your predictions being washed away by cats and dogs raining down from Heavens, and surprise surprise... your job is as safe as a Swiss Bank locker. If anyone ever approaches you and asks for an explanation about the climatic mood-swings, you can get away by telling him/her that the Earth didn't rotate properly last night and the orbit needs lubrication. I wonder what Six-sigma, CMMI and other bull-shitting quality-compliance models have to say about this one!
3)Cricket Umpire: To be an international cricket umpire , you should be a senile old man armed with a medical certificate that proves you to be legally blind in one eye and blissfully deaf in both the ears. Add to the list of symptoms, an allergy towards the cricket rule book and sudden attacks of amnesia upon hearing a chorus of 'Howzzzzaaaat' shouts. But don't let these poorly precedented specimens discourage you from achieving your goal. Go ahead and be a young, fit umpire. And when in doubt, show 'em the finger!
4)Film Critic: Ah this is my kind of job. Your employer pays you handsomely to park your ass in an air conditioned theatre, watch flicks and stuff yourself with caramel popcorn week after week. You then go on air and tell the world that the best part of the movie was the intermission. Next, you puncture a hole or two in the screenplay, suggest to the audience that the movie script can be used as tissue paper, and lament the fact that the heroine didn't show enough cleavage. Voila! your movie review is complete. Now would you hand over my fat paycheck and remove the fly out of my champagne glass please? Thank you.
- You have to bear 4 years in a trauma center learning engineering and in the bargain survive a minimum of 8 rounds of torture, writing imaginary stories in the examination hall.
- If the stories you cooked up were really good, you are awarded with excellent grades and along with it a roll of honor certifying you as the 'Best Chef of the Semester'.
- If you go on to acquire top grades, then you are eligible to let yourself get a dogmatic rubber stamp branded on your bums, that spells 'Tested OK, Distinction' .
- All the mice with brandmarked posteriors get to stand first in line to be gobbled up by smiling Cheshire cats, disguised as 'Campus IT Recruiters'.
- If you are tasty mice, then you are recruited. Congratulations and welcome aboard. You are a software pro.
- Thank you sirs and ma'ms. Your life is now a soap opera.
That's it. Simple right? Now, I don't want to be seen as the latest applicant for the post of the village cynic ( considering that I was earmarked for the post of the village idiot) . So let me switch on the exhaust fans and clear the air about engineers being an unhappy lot. Make no mistake, software engineers are 'happy' staring at computer screens all day, smashing foreheads against their keyboards and occasionally singing love sonnets to their code compilers, cajoling it to get to work. When not sipping Cappuccinos, when not practising table tennis serves, when not reading tabloids, when not debating on the vital statistics of the new hottie in office , when not idling away time and blaming the world for it- we techies pride ourselves in creating some amazing technologies that change the face of the world.
All said, every now and then however, there is this momentary flicker of thought which flashes across many a techie's overworked minds. It is like an irritating buzzing fly which you want to swat immediately with the nearest available roll of newspaper, but cannot. The buzzing fly says "Hey am I being a moron, sitting here and slogging my ass off in this way to earn my crumbs of money? Or is there an easier, better, faster and fun way of earning bigger bucks" ? No matter how passionate the techie is about his/her work, he would have certainly met this buzzing fly at least once in his/her computing lifetime. Some of them would have ignored this fly, others would have swatted it and still others would have simply asked it to 'buzz off'. I met the buzzing fly today. So rather than chase it away, or let it fall inside my cup of Cappuccino, I decided to take a moment off and answer it. Earning more (or at least equal) bucks with lesser pain in the ass is the objective eh? So be it. After a discourse with my talkative conscience, I have arrived at the following alternate career options for the beleaguered IT soul. If you promise not to throw empty flower vases at me, I am willing to outline and share those alternate career options with you. Here you go:
1) Bank Robber: The de- facto profession for you to achieve the insta-rags to riches status. Designed, developed and tested extensively by our forefathers, this method would have been the easiest and quickest way of earning money without breaking much of a sweat. However, today we are reeling under a severe economic crunch. The banks would not have much money stashed away in their lockers to make a decent steal. So, this erstwhile method of earning money has unfortunately run of steam today. Heck! I'm sure the robbers are richer and well off than the banks these days. So with a heavy heart and profound reluctance, I would like to sidestep this profession and move on to option number 2.
2)Weatherman: Is there any other job in the world wherein you see your calculations go horrifically wrong more than half of the time and still get to hold on to your job with peanut-eating nonchalance? I mean you predict a bright sunny picnic day, then sit back and see your predictions being washed away by cats and dogs raining down from Heavens, and surprise surprise... your job is as safe as a Swiss Bank locker. If anyone ever approaches you and asks for an explanation about the climatic mood-swings, you can get away by telling him/her that the Earth didn't rotate properly last night and the orbit needs lubrication. I wonder what Six-sigma, CMMI and other bull-shitting quality-compliance models have to say about this one!
3)Cricket Umpire: To be an international cricket umpire , you should be a senile old man armed with a medical certificate that proves you to be legally blind in one eye and blissfully deaf in both the ears. Add to the list of symptoms, an allergy towards the cricket rule book and sudden attacks of amnesia upon hearing a chorus of 'Howzzzzaaaat' shouts. But don't let these poorly precedented specimens discourage you from achieving your goal. Go ahead and be a young, fit umpire. And when in doubt, show 'em the finger!
4)Film Critic: Ah this is my kind of job. Your employer pays you handsomely to park your ass in an air conditioned theatre, watch flicks and stuff yourself with caramel popcorn week after week. You then go on air and tell the world that the best part of the movie was the intermission. Next, you puncture a hole or two in the screenplay, suggest to the audience that the movie script can be used as tissue paper, and lament the fact that the heroine didn't show enough cleavage. Voila! your movie review is complete. Now would you hand over my fat paycheck and remove the fly out of my champagne glass please? Thank you.
5)Artist (specializing in modern art) : Pardon me ,oh art connoisseurs, for my blasphemous ridicule of Modern Art...but this is one arena whose existence I've always failed to decipher. I mean I fail to understand why people would care to fork out billions of dollars to buy something that looks like a two-year old's first crayon scribbling? Without waiting for replies, I have ready started my career as a modern artist. To start with, yesterday I bought two whole cans of Asian Paints emulsifiers and with one toss, splashed them over a white canvas. To my artistic eye, my classic debut painting looks like two amorous amoebas having sex with each other. Depending on the price its going to fetch, I will decide upon a suitable title. You are welcome to start bidding immediately.
My room is a modern art gallery beyond compare. For example, I have a bedroom wall with entrails of recently squashed mosquitoes postered all over. It is a work of beauty. Due to lack of time, I couldn't reproduce this work on canvas. If any modern artist is interested, he/she is welcome to contact me and we'll haggle over the price, royalty and the sponsorship of mosquito repellents.
OK, people, I need to run back to my pigeon-hole... err I mean the cubicle to complete some coding and unit testing. I am happy that I have shared with you my conversations with the buzzing fly:-) As I near the end my rant session, I would like to leave you with the true, famous lines by the great poet Robert Frost to motivate you all :
"The woods are lovely, treacherous, dark and deep...
I have got promises and project deliveries to keep...
I have got lines to code before I sleep...
I have got miles to go before I sleep...
Doesn't matter 'coz I've got insomnia anyway, you creep... "
Love and Best Wishes,
Parry.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Energy & Natural Resources Conservation Tips for Bachelors.
The story so far:
1) Conserve Water
d) Always buy jeans that are black or dark blue. You can play Kabaddi in them during weekends and still wear them to work next day. Wash them only during the monsoon. ( Wear your jeans, lay face down on the road during heavy rainfall and stick your bum out. That should take care of the wash)
e) The natural ground-water levels have been receding with alarming pace and would continue to diminish further unless we have a remedial action implemented in place. So when thirsty, drink beer. Three cheers for water conservation. Hic! Hic! Huray.
2) Conserve Fuel
a) Conserve LPG: Avoid using LPG to cook your Maggi Noodles. Instead, use boiled water from your geyser to cook noodles. You pay an extra 200 rupees every month as electricity charges to your useless landlord anyway, so why not make full use of it? Make no mistake, it is important to conserve electricity also ( I will come to this in a minute) . However, using boiled water from your geyser to cook noodles should provide you with ample motivation to take a bath everyday. Therein lies the advantage. Remember: No bath for the day = No boiling hot water for the day = No cooking noodles and you go hungry for the day. Marvellous, isn't it? :-)
d) Use the word ‘bullshit’ with respect. Please remember that it can be a useful source of renewable energy ( As in gobar gas plants/bio gas plants) . Of course, if you feel that my blog is bullshit, then it is a different case altogether.
a) Turn off the lights: Switching off lights when not in use is an important must-do item on any energy conserver's list. Remember to draw inspiration from pop-star Nelly Furtado's hit song 'Turn off the light'. The lyrics go something like:
"They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough
Do you think the pop-star was highlighting foreplay, seduction or any other related naughty activity in her song? Heck no, she was hinting at energy conservation!
A brilliant, charismatic high school student with oodles of passion towards Science, finds his customized enthusiasm towards 'Energy & Natural Resource Conservation' sniggered at and scorned by teachers, scholars, ducks and dinosaurs alike. Undeterred, he returns years later, to broadcast his unsolicited opinion on his pet topic to innocent people. The abstruse story now continues... (To read the complete & interesting background from my previous post, click here )
----------------------------------------------------
Greetings, Dear Earthlings
I am back. As promised in my previous post, I am here to present to you the spellbinding , Nobel deserving article called ' Energy and Natural Resource Conservation Tips for Bachelors' . Many eyebrows were raised when I chose bachelors as a target audience for this mundane scientific topic. Why bachelors? Well why not. Bachelors (being one myself) , are arguably one of the finest specimens of homo-sapiens ever created. With their hearts at the right place and hands scratching the wrong places and with their simple, minimalistic but amazingly functional lifestyle... bachelors would make one hell of a case study. Bachelors are an endangered species... they are endangered because they become extinct when they get married. Therefore, without losing much time, they are in need of a messiah like me to enlighten them on the importance of Energy and Natural resources conservation. Ok, without any more ado, here are the much coveted tips for the bachelor brethren all over the world. I hope this will bring an increased degree of efficiency in their day-to-day chores :
1) Conserve Water
a) Efficient use of shirts and trousers: Do not hesitate to wear the same shirt/trouser thrice or four times before the next round of wash. If a colleague at work points out a stain on your garment due to its repeated use, you can easily get away by blaming the Government!!. Here's how:
Your friend: " Hi, dude... you've got a stain on your shirt"
You : " Huh? A stain? Where? "
Your friend: " Right there, at the back of the shirt, just below the collar. Yeah, there"
You (feign surprise) : " Oh no... Man, I had just freshly washed and ironed this shirt only today. Damn, this stain! Now how did it happen? I think it happened while travelling to office this morning...
Your friend : " Oh....... "
You: " I think it happened while coming up the elevator. Or, I guess this must have happened while travelling in the crowded bus today morning. Don't know how. You see this bloody morning crowd and rush........
That's it... The tone for your rhetoric has been set. Go on and blame the crowd, blame the traffic , blame the system, blame the Government. By the end of it , your friend would have forgotten that he had pointed out a stain in the first place!
b) Efficient use of socks: The same pair of socks can be used for two days consecutively without any fear or worry of causing plague at your workplace. Then, you turn them inside out, strategically spray deodorant on them and wear it on two more occasions. To be more efficient, consider wearing only one sock at a time. People, as they claim themselves, are so busy running the rat race these days, that they don't even have the time to look up at your faces and utter a word of Hello. Heck, they don't have the time to even smile at you. Then, why do you think would they care to look at your feet and bother to count the number of socks you are wearing? In the rare case that someone does count and point out, calmly tell them it is the fashion trend of the season - the latest haute couture straight out of the Milan Fashion Week.
c) Efficient usage of bed sheets: After six months, turn your bedsheets inside out and continue using for the rest of the year. What’s the point of washing them regularly anyway? You’ll always be fast asleep on your sheet and wont be in your senses to decide if its clean or unclean.
d) Always buy jeans that are black or dark blue. You can play Kabaddi in them during weekends and still wear them to work next day. Wash them only during the monsoon. ( Wear your jeans, lay face down on the road during heavy rainfall and stick your bum out. That should take care of the wash)
e) The natural ground-water levels have been receding with alarming pace and would continue to diminish further unless we have a remedial action implemented in place. So when thirsty, drink beer. Three cheers for water conservation. Hic! Hic! Huray.
2) Conserve Fuel
a) Conserve LPG: Avoid using LPG to cook your Maggi Noodles. Instead, use boiled water from your geyser to cook noodles. You pay an extra 200 rupees every month as electricity charges to your useless landlord anyway, so why not make full use of it? Make no mistake, it is important to conserve electricity also ( I will come to this in a minute) . However, using boiled water from your geyser to cook noodles should provide you with ample motivation to take a bath everyday. Therein lies the advantage. Remember: No bath for the day = No boiling hot water for the day = No cooking noodles and you go hungry for the day. Marvellous, isn't it? :-)
b) Conserve Petrol: The next time your girlfriend asks you to take her shopping, tell her that you’ve watched Aamir Khan's Ghajini (or Christopher Nolan's 'Memento') and the contagious short-term memory loss has been passed on to you through the movie screen. Tell her that you've now forgotten how the gear shift pattern of your bike works and so she will have to ride the bike herself thru rush-hour traffic if she wants to. (even if it is a Pulsar 250 CC) . If she says no, yell out ‘ Hurray’ and go walking hand-in-hand with her. Fuel conserved. Romance observed.
d) Use the word ‘bullshit’ with respect. Please remember that it can be a useful source of renewable energy ( As in gobar gas plants/bio gas plants) . Of course, if you feel that my blog is bullshit, then it is a different case altogether.
e) Consider the option of car-pooling while traveling to and from work. If your meager salar
y doesn’t allow you to buy a car, then don’t be disheartened – use a bullock cart as your transport. The advantages of traveling to office by a bullock cart are two pronged.- 1) It saves petrol 2) Since the bull is now your chauffeur, all the bullshit accrued from the length of the journey can be used as a renewable source of energy.
y doesn’t allow you to buy a car, then don’t be disheartened – use a bullock cart as your transport. The advantages of traveling to office by a bullock cart are two pronged.- 1) It saves petrol 2) Since the bull is now your chauffeur, all the bullshit accrued from the length of the journey can be used as a renewable source of energy.3) Conserve Power:
It is important to be abstemious in our consumption of electricity. The following tips, are thus in order:
It is important to be abstemious in our consumption of electricity. The following tips, are thus in order:
a) Turn off the lights: Switching off lights when not in use is an important must-do item on any energy conserver's list. Remember to draw inspiration from pop-star Nelly Furtado's hit song 'Turn off the light'. The lyrics go something like:
"They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough toughWell it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light
They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough
Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light"....
Do you think the pop-star was highlighting foreplay, seduction or any other related naughty activity in her song? Heck no, she was hinting at energy conservation!
b) Fans & AC's: If you think you are naturally cool, then you don't need to use fans or AC's.
c) Turn off monitors: At work, turn off your PC monitors while not in use. Preferably, keep them turned off all day. If your manager or supervisor points out that you are doing no work, then plainly tell him/her that you are doing a service to the planet by conserving energy. Then go to your manager’s desk , and switch off his/her monitor too. Spread awareness.
The benefits of energy conservation doesn't end here, my dear bachelors. In fact, gigabytes after gigabytes can be written and documented about this noble cause. For example, you can save paper by bringing home all your useless project documents from work and using them as tissue papers. You can plant trees to ensure that romantic couples from your next generation could steal private, intimate moments hiding behind them.
Therefore, my dear men, arise! , awake! , save! , conserve! . The time to start is n*o*w.
My Best Wishes are always with you. You will certainly need it :-)
Parry.
Monday, January 5, 2009
My Love for Science, Energy conservation and other hocus-pocus.
Twelve years ago, I was a high-school student. Ta da!!! This is not meant to be the day's breaking news, so let us proceed with the story. As a student, Science used to be a pet subject for me. I always used to score the second- highest in Science tests in my class. Yes... consistently. However, every single time I had to contend being the second highest scorer because I always used to end up making genuine, inadvertent and humane errors while copying answers from the class topper who used to sit next to me. I would have loved to top someday, but simply couldn't bring myself to stop making those errors - so resigned myself to being the second best in Science. Of course this spectacular achievement of mine was limited to class tests , unit tests , surprise tests, and other tiddly little farts of examinations only. For the bigger fiascos like the Mid-terms and the Final Examinations, our topper used to sit far away from me ( courtesy roll-number wise seating ) . So my scores in the bigger exams used to be second-best alright, but second from the bottom! Tragic - these roll number wise seating I must say. As a derived decision, I have decided that when I become a father in the years to come, I will never name my child with the starting letter 'A' . These A's ( the Abhijits, the Abhisheks, the Aditis for example) always end up being roll number 1 or roll number 2 in their classes, and always have to face the irony of beating seated in the front bench during exams. Poor souls! They cant even copy comfortably during their exams... neither from chits nor from classmates. I do not want my child to curse me in the examination hall for naming him/her with 'A'. Maybe I'll name him/her as Yuvaraj/Yuvika/Uday etc. to be safe. Anyways lets come back to the point ( remember there was one? )... the point about Science.
Even during my mass Ctrl+C - Ctrl+V scientific days from high school, there used to be an area of study in Science which used to raptly interest me. " Energy & Natural Resources conservation and Environment protection". For some untold, unexplained reason, my unbridled passion for this area of science would come alive when I went about answering related questions in my exam paper ( without Mr. Topper's help) . For example:
Question: Explain how Gobar Gas ( cow dung) can be a useful natural source of fuel/energy?
My answer: Oh what a bullshit question!
Of course my teachers never understood my passion for this wonderful topic. Time and again, red-inked exclamations, huge zeroes in the margin, summons from the Principal and complaint letters to my Mom were the usual courses of action that followed. Understandably (and I know you dear people may have understood by now) , this meant that a feeling of angst remained confined in me throughout my formative years of learning Science.
I have now grown up to become a software engineer. But my passion towards my old pet area of science still burns away quietly in a remote corner of my heart- like an old flame of a bunsen burner ( similar to the way it burns all day in a chemical lab when the lab assistant forgets to turn it off) . Through the revered forum of 'Nonsense Aplenty' , I now have the opportunity to rekindle my old flame and dish out unsolicited , personalized opinion on 'Energy and Natural Resources conservation' to anyone who's willing to listen without making loud yawning noises.
All through the years I have been an avid follower of white papers and research documents on Energy conservation and Environment. I am grateful to the authors of these papers because they've cured me of my insomnia ( to such an extent that I now find it impossible to wade through a paragraph without falling asleep) . But we cant blame the authors really. I am sure these papers are all written by well-learned and highly intelligent scholars with a Ph.D and no less. Whilst I am no one to contest the profound knowledge and good intentions of these scholars, I am willing to bet my monthly salary of 1 rupee 50 paisa on the fact that these scholars are among the most boring human beings who've walked the planet. I am sure that an overwhelming majority of these scholars must have been those typical poker faced, bespectacled University super-toppers who, without fail , warmed the first benches of their Science class every day. You know, the kind of super-studious types who used to jot down every single word that the Professor uttered in class. ( I am sure even when the Professor sneezed, these people probably noted it down too as 'Haackshooo!!' ) . Anyway the point is, their boring personalities reflect in their super boring research papers. And their super-boring research papers drives super passionate people like me to coma.
Lets take these scholars' research paper on 'Global Warming' as a random example. Before falling asleep, I read their take on the causes of global warming - the regulars - emission of carbon dioxide and other anthropogenic gases, deforestation, and a woeful tale on human pollution. But they dont know the real cause of Global Warming. I know. According to me, the real reason for global warming is the increase in the number of sexy and hot girls around the world. Yes you have read it right! Sexy, hot, smouldering babes are the real reason for global warming. Rising hemlines, plunging necklines, shrinking bikinis and disappearing thongs have all collectively contributed to 'global warming'. And add to the list of causes a decrease in gym membership fees leading to more toned, hot bodies world over. Will the University scholars agree to this basic cause? No sir! They continue to write boring research papers. And what do passionate science students do with the research papers? They take print-outs and use them to wrap vada-pav's. Sad!
Its time to do it my way. The time has come to lay out my old high-school passion for "Energy and Natural Resource Conservation" in electronic text. In my next post, I will be publishing a ground-breaking, path-finding, eye-opening and a Nobel-prize deserving article called "Energy & Natural Resources Conservation Tips for Bachelors" Now what the heck has this to do with Bachelors? And why choose them as a target audience? I will explain.
I hope I have enlightened you to some degree. I can visualize you people running to the medic to buy strips of Saridon and Aspirin by now. But that's OK. My Good Wishes, as always are with you.
Love you all,
Parry.
Even during my mass Ctrl+C - Ctrl+V scientific days from high school, there used to be an area of study in Science which used to raptly interest me. " Energy & Natural Resources conservation and Environment protection". For some untold, unexplained reason, my unbridled passion for this area of science would come alive when I went about answering related questions in my exam paper ( without Mr. Topper's help) . For example:
Question: Explain how Gobar Gas ( cow dung) can be a useful natural source of fuel/energy?
My answer: Oh what a bullshit question!
Of course my teachers never understood my passion for this wonderful topic. Time and again, red-inked exclamations, huge zeroes in the margin, summons from the Principal and complaint letters to my Mom were the usual courses of action that followed. Understandably (and I know you dear people may have understood by now) , this meant that a feeling of angst remained confined in me throughout my formative years of learning Science.
I have now grown up to become a software engineer. But my passion towards my old pet area of science still burns away quietly in a remote corner of my heart- like an old flame of a bunsen burner ( similar to the way it burns all day in a chemical lab when the lab assistant forgets to turn it off) . Through the revered forum of 'Nonsense Aplenty' , I now have the opportunity to rekindle my old flame and dish out unsolicited , personalized opinion on 'Energy and Natural Resources conservation' to anyone who's willing to listen without making loud yawning noises.
All through the years I have been an avid follower of white papers and research documents on Energy conservation and Environment. I am grateful to the authors of these papers because they've cured me of my insomnia ( to such an extent that I now find it impossible to wade through a paragraph without falling asleep) . But we cant blame the authors really. I am sure these papers are all written by well-learned and highly intelligent scholars with a Ph.D and no less. Whilst I am no one to contest the profound knowledge and good intentions of these scholars, I am willing to bet my monthly salary of 1 rupee 50 paisa on the fact that these scholars are among the most boring human beings who've walked the planet. I am sure that an overwhelming majority of these scholars must have been those typical poker faced, bespectacled University super-toppers who, without fail , warmed the first benches of their Science class every day. You know, the kind of super-studious types who used to jot down every single word that the Professor uttered in class. ( I am sure even when the Professor sneezed, these people probably noted it down too as 'Haackshooo!!' ) . Anyway the point is, their boring personalities reflect in their super boring research papers. And their super-boring research papers drives super passionate people like me to coma.
Lets take these scholars' research paper on 'Global Warming' as a random example. Before falling asleep, I read their take on the causes of global warming - the regulars - emission of carbon dioxide and other anthropogenic gases, deforestation, and a woeful tale on human pollution. But they dont know the real cause of Global Warming. I know. According to me, the real reason for global warming is the increase in the number of sexy and hot girls around the world. Yes you have read it right! Sexy, hot, smouldering babes are the real reason for global warming. Rising hemlines, plunging necklines, shrinking bikinis and disappearing thongs have all collectively contributed to 'global warming'. And add to the list of causes a decrease in gym membership fees leading to more toned, hot bodies world over. Will the University scholars agree to this basic cause? No sir! They continue to write boring research papers. And what do passionate science students do with the research papers? They take print-outs and use them to wrap vada-pav's. Sad!
Its time to do it my way. The time has come to lay out my old high-school passion for "Energy and Natural Resource Conservation" in electronic text. In my next post, I will be publishing a ground-breaking, path-finding, eye-opening and a Nobel-prize deserving article called "Energy & Natural Resources Conservation Tips for Bachelors" Now what the heck has this to do with Bachelors? And why choose them as a target audience? I will explain.
I hope I have enlightened you to some degree. I can visualize you people running to the medic to buy strips of Saridon and Aspirin by now. But that's OK. My Good Wishes, as always are with you.
Love you all,
Parry.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Greetings, fellow Earthlings
Gentle Ladies and even gentler Gentlemen...
The latest escapee from the local mental asylum welcomes y'all to his blog page. I would like to promise you that this blog is going to be bigger and more famous than the Industrial Revolution encyclopedia ( That Pulitzer winning, #1 Bestseller called The Dummy's Guide to Industrial Revolution. Haven't read it? Go ahead and write it then!) For sure. Before I proceed, let me confess two things... 1) I have always bunked history classes 2) Promises are meant to be broken .
Ok, now that the perceived infamy of this blog has been set in stone ( lets ignore the possiblity that the same stone may be thrown smack back at my thick skull later) , lets proceed to get this show on the road.
RightO! Here we go. Traditional Indian customs require us to remember the Almighty before embarking on a new task...say a prayer to seek His Blessings.. Its 6.PM here in India right now. A beautiful evening... The Sun, after having blown hot all day, has acquired a serene crimson hue. A last few rays to go before it goes down, and proceeds to take its daily dip in the Ocean. The birds have returned to their nests in the trees. I wonder what the heck do they do all day anyway... I mean just fly around, eat nuts and worms and take undue advantage of gravity to pee down on innocent human beings? A bird's life.. Bah... Anyway returning to the point about the Prayer to the Almighty that I was to make, its 6 PM and God must be busy having His evening tea and snacks. Poor chap, He must be exhausted for the day listening to and counselling millions of requests which keep reaching Him thru several million prayin' devotees....."God give me this...God give me that...God take care of me....God make me successful... God make my girlfriend nag less..God give me a job...Hey Bhagwan yeh aapne kya kar diya...etc etc." And considering the times that we are currently living in, He must be working overtime. So I'll just give Him a well-needed break and let Him enjoy his tea and snacks. I can always pray later.
Chalo,now that the prayers have been taken care of,lets proceed to get this thing on the road.U see, yesterday in a moment of madness, I decided to start blogging.(My friends would disagree to that... only a moment of madness?They claim my moment of madness lasts 24/7. But then,thats a different story ..a different script which I feel is Ekta Kapoorable ( meaning Ekta Kapoor can plagarize it and make it into a soap or two) . I didn't plan to take this thing seriously... but then today,in another moment of madness,I decided to give it a shot anyway.
What am I gonna be bloggin' about? Nothing. Yes nothing. As you would unfortunately come to know, I have a very talkative conscience. As they say, ur conscience is ur best friend...and yeah, the dog comes a close second...Well I have a very talkative conscience which keeps hounding me all the time with all sorts of things...a little bit of "Main Aisa Kyon Hoon",as Hrithik Roshan put it in Lakshya....and a lot of "Baaki sab aise kyon hai"... Got me? Yes???!!! Gracious! I thought i was the only strange one.. its really feels good to have company. Didn't get me? Don't worry...i guess the dog's taken the first position. I intend to give you a peek into the conversations that take place between me and my talkative conscience. These conversations are legendary stuff , which when laid out in electronic text, would readily find a place in any junk e-mail folder of the world. In summary, it is 'Nonsense Aplenty'.
I invite you to let go and be part of the madness! . I invite to you to be willing victims of the epic called 'Nonsense Aplenty'. I am sure there will be times when you wont even understand what I write. But that's OK my dear people, there are times when I dont understand it myself. But I promise, you will be left scratching your heads trying to make sense of 'Nonsense Aplenty'. That's good isn't it? People, they claim, are so busy these days going about their daily work, that they dont have time to scratch their backsides. So by that logic, I am doing a service to the society by giving them ample scope to scratch atleast something.
My Good Wishes are with you. Until later,
Love,
Parry.
The latest escapee from the local mental asylum welcomes y'all to his blog page. I would like to promise you that this blog is going to be bigger and more famous than the Industrial Revolution encyclopedia ( That Pulitzer winning, #1 Bestseller called The Dummy's Guide to Industrial Revolution. Haven't read it? Go ahead and write it then!) For sure. Before I proceed, let me confess two things... 1) I have always bunked history classes 2) Promises are meant to be broken .
Ok, now that the perceived infamy of this blog has been set in stone ( lets ignore the possiblity that the same stone may be thrown smack back at my thick skull later) , lets proceed to get this show on the road.
RightO! Here we go. Traditional Indian customs require us to remember the Almighty before embarking on a new task...say a prayer to seek His Blessings.. Its 6.PM here in India right now. A beautiful evening... The Sun, after having blown hot all day, has acquired a serene crimson hue. A last few rays to go before it goes down, and proceeds to take its daily dip in the Ocean. The birds have returned to their nests in the trees. I wonder what the heck do they do all day anyway... I mean just fly around, eat nuts and worms and take undue advantage of gravity to pee down on innocent human beings? A bird's life.. Bah... Anyway returning to the point about the Prayer to the Almighty that I was to make, its 6 PM and God must be busy having His evening tea and snacks. Poor chap, He must be exhausted for the day listening to and counselling millions of requests which keep reaching Him thru several million prayin' devotees....."God give me this...God give me that...God take care of me....God make me successful... God make my girlfriend nag less..God give me a job...Hey Bhagwan yeh aapne kya kar diya...etc etc." And considering the times that we are currently living in, He must be working overtime. So I'll just give Him a well-needed break and let Him enjoy his tea and snacks. I can always pray later.
Chalo,now that the prayers have been taken care of,lets proceed to get this thing on the road.U see, yesterday in a moment of madness, I decided to start blogging.(My friends would disagree to that... only a moment of madness?They claim my moment of madness lasts 24/7. But then,thats a different story ..a different script which I feel is Ekta Kapoorable ( meaning Ekta Kapoor can plagarize it and make it into a soap or two) . I didn't plan to take this thing seriously... but then today,in another moment of madness,I decided to give it a shot anyway.
What am I gonna be bloggin' about? Nothing. Yes nothing. As you would unfortunately come to know, I have a very talkative conscience. As they say, ur conscience is ur best friend...and yeah, the dog comes a close second...Well I have a very talkative conscience which keeps hounding me all the time with all sorts of things...a little bit of "Main Aisa Kyon Hoon",as Hrithik Roshan put it in Lakshya....and a lot of "Baaki sab aise kyon hai"... Got me? Yes???!!! Gracious! I thought i was the only strange one.. its really feels good to have company. Didn't get me? Don't worry...i guess the dog's taken the first position. I intend to give you a peek into the conversations that take place between me and my talkative conscience. These conversations are legendary stuff , which when laid out in electronic text, would readily find a place in any junk e-mail folder of the world. In summary, it is 'Nonsense Aplenty'.
I invite you to let go and be part of the madness! . I invite to you to be willing victims of the epic called 'Nonsense Aplenty'. I am sure there will be times when you wont even understand what I write. But that's OK my dear people, there are times when I dont understand it myself. But I promise, you will be left scratching your heads trying to make sense of 'Nonsense Aplenty'. That's good isn't it? People, they claim, are so busy these days going about their daily work, that they dont have time to scratch their backsides. So by that logic, I am doing a service to the society by giving them ample scope to scratch atleast something.
My Good Wishes are with you. Until later,
Love,
Parry.
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