Saturday, January 10, 2009

Energy & Natural Resources Conservation Tips for Bachelors.

The story so far:

A brilliant, charismatic high school student with oodles of passion towards Science, finds his customized enthusiasm towards 'Energy & Natural Resource Conservation' sniggered at and scorned by teachers, scholars, ducks and dinosaurs alike. Undeterred, he returns years later, to broadcast his unsolicited opinion on his pet topic to innocent people. The abstruse story now continues... (To read the complete & interesting background from my previous post, click here )


Greetings, Dear Earthlings

I am back. As promised in my previous post, I am here to present to you the spellbinding , Nobel deserving article called ' Energy and Natural Resource Conservation Tips for Bachelors' . Many eyebrows were raised when I chose bachelors as a target audience for this mundane scientific topic. Why bachelors? Well why not. Bachelors (being one myself) , are arguably one of the finest specimens of homo-sapiens ever created. With their hearts at the right place and hands scratching the wrong places and with their simple, minimalistic but amazingly functional lifestyle... bachelors would make one hell of a case study. Bachelors are an endangered species... they are endangered because they become extinct when they get married. Therefore, without losing much time, they are in need of a messiah like me to enlighten them on the importance of Energy and Natural resources conservation. Ok, without any more ado, here are the much coveted tips for the bachelor brethren all over the world. I hope this will bring an increased degree of efficiency in their day-to-day chores :

1) Conserve Water

a) Efficient use of shirts and trousers: Do not hesitate to wear the same shirt/trouser thrice or four times before the next round of wash. If a colleague at work points out a stain on your garment due to its repeated use, you can easily get away by blaming the Government!!. Here's how:

Your friend: " Hi, dude... you've got a stain on your shirt"

You : " Huh? A stain? Where? "

Your friend: " Right there, at the back of the shirt, just below the collar. Yeah, there"

You (feign surprise) : " Oh no... Man, I had just freshly washed and ironed this shirt only today. Damn, this stain! Now how did it happen? I think it happened while travelling to office this morning...

Your friend : " Oh....... "

You: " I think it happened while coming up the elevator. Or, I guess this must have happened while travelling in the crowded bus today morning. Don't know how. You see this bloody morning crowd and rush........

That's it... The tone for your rhetoric has been set. Go on and blame the crowd, blame the traffic , blame the system, blame the Government. By the end of it , your friend would have forgotten that he had pointed out a stain in the first place!

b) Efficient use of socks: The same pair of socks can be used for two days consecutively without any fear or worry of causing plague at your workplace. Then, you turn them inside out, strategically spray deodorant on them and wear it on two more occasions. To be more efficient, consider wearing only one sock at a time. People, as they claim themselves, are so busy running the rat race these days, that they don't even have the time to look up at your faces and utter a word of Hello. Heck, they don't have the time to even smile at you. Then, why do you think would they care to look at your feet and bother to count the number of socks you are wearing? In the rare case that someone does count and point out, calmly tell them it is the fashion trend of the season - the latest haute couture straight out of the Milan Fashion Week.

c) Efficient usage of bed sheets: After six months, turn your bedsheets inside out and continue using for the rest of the year. What’s the point of washing them regularly anyway? You’ll always be fast asleep on your sheet and wont be in your senses to decide if its clean or unclean.

d) Always buy jeans that are black or dark blue. You can play Kabaddi in them during weekends and still wear them to work next day. Wash them only during the monsoon. ( Wear your jeans, lay face down on the road during heavy rainfall and stick your bum out. That should take care of the wash)

e) The natural ground-water levels have been receding with alarming pace and would continue to diminish further unless we have a remedial action implemented in place. So when thirsty, drink beer. Three cheers for water conservation. Hic! Hic! Huray.

2) Conserve Fuel

a) Conserve LPG: Avoid using LPG to cook your Maggi Noodles. Instead, use boiled water from your geyser to cook noodles. You pay an extra 200 rupees every month as electricity charges to your useless landlord anyway, so why not make full use of it? Make no mistake, it is important to conserve electricity also ( I will come to this in a minute) . However, using boiled water from your geyser to cook noodles should provide you with ample motivation to take a bath everyday. Therein lies the advantage. Remember: No bath for the day = No boiling hot water for the day = No cooking noodles and you go hungry for the day. Marvellous, isn't it? :-)

b) Conserve Petrol: The next time your girlfriend asks you to take her shopping, tell her that you’ve watched Aamir Khan's Ghajini (or Christopher Nolan's 'Memento') and the contagious short-term memory loss has been passed on to you through the movie screen. Tell her that you've now forgotten how the gear shift pattern of your bike works and so she will have to ride the bike herself thru rush-hour traffic if she wants to. (even if it is a Pulsar 250 CC) . If she says no, yell out ‘ Hurray’ and go walking hand-in-hand with her. Fuel conserved. Romance observed.

d) Use the word ‘bullshit’ with respect. Please remember that it can be a useful source of renewable energy ( As in gobar gas plants/bio gas plants) . Of course, if you feel that my blog is bullshit, then it is a different case altogether.

e) Consider the option of car-pooling while traveling to and from work. If your meager salary doesn’t allow you to buy a car, then don’t be disheartened – use a bullock cart as your transport. The advantages of traveling to office by a bullock cart are two pronged.- 1) It saves petrol 2) Since the bull is now your chauffeur, all the bullshit accrued from the length of the journey can be used as a renewable source of energy.

3) Conserve Power:
It is important to be abstemious in our consumption of electricity. The following tips, are thus in order:

a) Turn off the lights: Switching off lights when not in use is an important must-do item on any energy conserver's list. Remember to draw inspiration from pop-star Nelly Furtado's hit song 'Turn off the light'. The lyrics go something like:

"They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough

Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light
They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough
Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light"....

Do you think the pop-star was highlighting foreplay, seduction or any other related naughty activity in her song? Heck no, she was hinting at energy conservation!

b) Fans & AC's: If you think you are naturally cool, then you don't need to use fans or AC's.

c) Turn off monitors: At work, turn off your PC monitors while not in use. Preferably, keep them turned off all day. If your manager or supervisor points out that you are doing no work, then plainly tell him/her that you are doing a service to the planet by conserving energy. Then go to your manager’s desk , and switch off his/her monitor too. Spread awareness.

The benefits of energy conservation doesn't end here, my dear bachelors. In fact, gigabytes after gigabytes can be written and documented about this noble cause. For example, you can save paper by bringing home all your useless project documents from work and using them as tissue papers. You can plant trees to ensure that romantic couples from your next generation could steal private, intimate moments hiding behind them.

Therefore, my dear men, arise! , awake! , save! , conserve! . The time to start is n*o*w.

My Best Wishes are always with you. You will certainly need it :-)



Anand said...

A masterpiece :-)

Kanika Gupta said...

Taking the risk of leaving a comment here, even though I'm not a 'bachelor', not literally anyways, I would say that although I don't quite agree with the 'logic' behind all arguments you've presented in the post (Remember: No bath for the day = No boiling hot water for the day = No cooking noodles and you go hungry for the day), I think that you definitely have an expertise in tickling the funny bone of your readers. Kudos! Nonetheless, I'd like to compliment you on choosing a befitting title for your blog.. :)

ARUNA said...

this is soooo cool......i cudn't stop laughing!!