Monday, January 5, 2009

My Love for Science, Energy conservation and other hocus-pocus.

Twelve years ago, I was a high-school student. Ta da!!! This is not meant to be the day's breaking news, so let us proceed with the story. As a student, Science used to be a pet subject for me. I always used to score the second- highest in Science tests in my class. Yes... consistently. However, every single time I had to contend being the second highest scorer because I always used to end up making genuine, inadvertent and humane errors while copying answers from the class topper who used to sit next to me. I would have loved to top someday, but simply couldn't bring myself to stop making those errors - so resigned myself to being the second best in Science. Of course this spectacular achievement of mine was limited to class tests , unit tests , surprise tests, and other tiddly little farts of examinations only. For the bigger fiascos like the Mid-terms and the Final Examinations, our topper used to sit far away from me ( courtesy roll-number wise seating ) . So my scores in the bigger exams used to be second-best alright, but second from the bottom! Tragic - these roll number wise seating I must say. As a derived decision, I have decided that when I become a father in the years to come, I will never name my child with the starting letter 'A' . These A's ( the Abhijits, the Abhisheks, the Aditis for example) always end up being roll number 1 or roll number 2 in their classes, and always have to face the irony of beating seated in the front bench during exams. Poor souls! They cant even copy comfortably during their exams... neither from chits nor from classmates. I do not want my child to curse me in the examination hall for naming him/her with 'A'. Maybe I'll name him/her as Yuvaraj/Yuvika/Uday etc. to be safe. Anyways lets come back to the point ( remember there was one? )... the point about Science.

Even during my mass Ctrl+C - Ctrl+V scientific days from high school, there used to be an area of study in Science which used to raptly interest me. " Energy & Natural Resources conservation and Environment protection". For some untold, unexplained reason, my unbridled passion for this area of science would come alive when I went about answering related questions in my exam paper ( without Mr. Topper's help) . For example:

Question: Explain how Gobar Gas ( cow dung) can be a useful natural source of fuel/energy?
My answer: Oh what a bullshit question!

Of course my teachers never understood my passion for this wonderful topic. Time and again, red-inked exclamations, huge zeroes in the margin, summons from the Principal and complaint letters to my Mom were the usual courses of action that followed. Understandably (and I know you dear people may have understood by now) , this meant that a feeling of angst remained confined in me throughout my formative years of learning Science.

I have now grown up to become a software engineer. But my passion towards my old pet area of science still burns away quietly in a remote corner of my heart- like an old flame of a bunsen burner ( similar to the way it burns all day in a chemical lab when the lab assistant forgets to turn it off) . Through the revered forum of 'Nonsense Aplenty' , I now have the opportunity to rekindle my old flame and dish out unsolicited , personalized opinion on 'Energy and Natural Resources conservation' to anyone who's willing to listen without making loud yawning noises.

All through the years I have been an avid follower of white papers and research documents on Energy conservation and Environment. I am grateful to the authors of these papers because they've cured me of my insomnia ( to such an extent that I now find it impossible to wade through a paragraph without falling asleep) . But we cant blame the authors really. I am sure these papers are all written by well-learned and highly intelligent scholars with a Ph.D and no less. Whilst I am no one to contest the profound knowledge and good intentions of these scholars, I am willing to bet my monthly salary of 1 rupee 50 paisa on the fact that these scholars are among the most boring human beings who've walked the planet. I am sure that an overwhelming majority of these scholars must have been those typical poker faced, bespectacled University super-toppers who, without fail , warmed the first benches of their Science class every day. You know, the kind of super-studious types who used to jot down every single word that the Professor uttered in class. ( I am sure even when the Professor sneezed, these people probably noted it down too as 'Haackshooo!!' ) . Anyway the point is, their boring personalities reflect in their super boring research papers. And their super-boring research papers drives super passionate people like me to coma.

Lets take these scholars' research paper on 'Global Warming' as a random example. Before falling asleep, I read their take on the causes of global warming - the regulars - emission of carbon dioxide and other anthropogenic gases, deforestation, and a woeful tale on human pollution. But they dont know the real cause of Global Warming. I know. According to me, the real reason for global warming is the increase in the number of sexy and hot girls around the world. Yes you have read it right! Sexy, hot, smouldering babes are the real reason for global warming. Rising hemlines, plunging necklines, shrinking bikinis and disappearing thongs have all collectively contributed to 'global warming'. And add to the list of causes a decrease in gym membership fees leading to more toned, hot bodies world over. Will the University scholars agree to this basic cause? No sir! They continue to write boring research papers. And what do passionate science students do with the research papers? They take print-outs and use them to wrap vada-pav's. Sad!

Its time to do it my way. The time has come to lay out my old high-school passion for "Energy and Natural Resource Conservation" in electronic text. In my next post, I will be publishing a ground-breaking, path-finding, eye-opening and a Nobel-prize deserving article called "Energy & Natural Resources Conservation Tips for Bachelors" Now what the heck has this to do with Bachelors? And why choose them as a target audience? I will explain.

I hope I have enlightened you to some degree. I can visualize you people running to the medic to buy strips of Saridon and Aspirin by now. But that's OK. My Good Wishes, as always are with you.

Love you all,


Sachin said...

Amazingly funny...Ha ha... I am rolling on the floor laughing... You would have made a great science professor... Great blog, mate.

Suma said...

*snort snort* (thanks to the running nose I can't even laugh too hard else people around me will get a spray of laughter!)
Boy, its a hilarious post!! I could almost imagine you talk through it.. a great start pal.
now, am waiting for my special vada-pav... *yawn!*

Satyajit said...

A very very funny post. I am laughing so hard.Fantastic you have made such a drab and dull subject like energy conservation into such a hilarious subject... Particuarly, ur answer to that question is hilarious... Good blog. Keep gng.

gayathri-vishwanathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
gayathri-vishwanathan said...

err...and i thought global warming is an after-effect of men wit hot bods roaming shirtless around the beaches of goa :)

note: i deleted the above comment coz had eaten up sme words

Jyoti said...

Haha. Awesome! Love the way you digress from the topic, and come back reminding -- there WAS a topic. :D

Great work, buddy.